I had my day all planned out sports fans; plumber comes at 9 in the morning, I go dog sitting at eleven, come back home in the early afternoon to each lunch, play some TEW, wait for some breaking news and then at night break down the long anticipated trailer for Lucha Underground’s fourth season. Jokes on me because LU dropped the trailer (courtesy of ESPN) just a few hours ago! Thus the trailer will be broken down now. And when I say broken down I mean smashed to a million little pieces. I will be looking at this trailer, which I’ve already seen more times than I’ve seen Titanic and Mad Max: Fury Road combined, at a near second by second basis. Because that’s what we do at Lucha Central, aside from previewing and reviewing every CMLL show known to man and all that other good stuff. We’re hardcore like that! But enough self promotion; it’s time to talk about yet another unbelievable masterpiece courtesy of the Lucha Underground crew, which you should totally watch by the way before we get started.
0:00: We are coming to live from my good friend Tyler Godyn’s house and the El Rey logo is giving away to that Los Angeles skyline. Is that the old Temple? How nice of LU to give it one last wave before moving onto OH DAMN THERE’S THE LU LOGO! Keep it together Cult; too early to break out the “shit just got real” meme.
0:25: We’re fading out and fading in into…floor. Very, very old floor at that. That looks like the type of floor that was made when Vincent Price was still around. Anyways there’s more floor, more floor, more floor and HOLY SHIT THE FLOOR IS GONE AND THERE IS MATANZA CHAINED FOR FLOOR AT A LOWER LEVEL! Can I just say to Agent Winter or whoever it was that decided this was the best type of security for Matanza; BIG MISTAKE BRO! There’s a reason El Jefe was keeping him in that cage and it wasn’t because it’s cool to put monsters in cages (it is, but that’s beside the point). He did it because otherwise Matanza was going to make the LU roster into a whole lot of Bael’s; hell he nearly did that to Dario from behind the bars anyway! I’m calling it now; Matanza escapes in episode one and whoever captured him goes all “I can’t believe he broke out of my foolproof prison!” while I bang my head against my DVD case of Howard the Duck.
0:39: It’s Indiana Mundo and the Last Crusade, starring Taya as Marcus Brody (does she have a sword?!). And they’re tossing rope to somewhere far down below. Seeing as they just transitioned from a captured Matanza I suppose this could be the soon to be newlyweds trying to save him…except that makes no sense. Maybe Taya is filming her sequel to that great Johnny Mundo documentary and they got a budget increase?! Who cares; I’m all about Indiana Mundo.
0:42: IT’S DR. STRANGELOVE! Who else could be doing a hand motion like that? Dammit it’s not Strangelove because he just caught a staff and you know Strangelove never rocked a staff. Now we’ve cut to farther back and…hey that’s Kevin Kross! He is in season four and he’s dressed like a guy who is going to be leading a whole lot of acid droppers who think they’re rabbits. And no we’re not going to spend that much time on the dude howling with laughter inside a tumbleweed. I’ve seen enough Pulp Fiction and played enough Mad Hatter levels in Batman games to to know where that’s going.
0:55: Kobra Moon, slithering into a police precinct near you. Watch yourself Cortes Castro!
0:58: Fenix! He’s walking…somewhere. He’s also doing it shirtless in the street. Come on Fenix; don’t you know luchadores only walk shirtless in the streets while filming weird juice commercials?!
0:59: A doll? Creepy. Not as creepy as when the camera pans up and its either Ricky Mundo or Jack Evans (probably the former) doing his best impression of Vincent D’Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket. Wait I get this! Remember last year when Dario gave those weird ass island of the doll pictures to Ricky back when he was still Ricky Mandel? That’s what this is and that must be what Mundo and Taya were doing earlier; Worldwide Underground went to the Island of the Dolls! So it really is Indiana Mundo and the Last Crusade.
1:03: Rabbits be trippin through a psychedelic house yo! Also; that guy is still laughing in the background. STOP LAUGHING CRAZY MAN! I’m still too disturbed by whatever Ricky Mundo and that doll were just doing.
1:13: The camera creeps up, the darkness lifts and I do believe that is King Cuerno walking towards Aerostar and…some other guy. Scratch that, it’s El Dragon Azteca Jr.! Another view point shows Aerostar holding the power glove (which, breaking news, remains so very, VERY bad) while Azteca claims this is too dangerous. He’s got a point; did you see what that glove did to Lorenzo Llamas? Unphased Cuerno points to the glove and says it has to go back in time! Azteca thinks it’s too late for that (“the god is already too strong Cuerno!”) and Aerostar is giving the same face I make when someone takes the last Sunkist out of the fridge. He looks at the glove, looks up and simply says “make it quick.” I take it that means we’re getting some time travel! Also, King Cuerno is on the side of good. I guess Aerostar convinced him what power it had and that it shouldn’t be left hanging up on his wall after all? We’ll figure that out later; for now let’s just celebrate time travel!
1:35: Someone is opening the door to somewhere in a neon lit room. Another shot indicates it’s a long haired man in a lab coat. I mean hey; the only thing missing from LU was a mad scientist so why not?
1:38: JUNE 13th!
1:39: Mariposa is standing over someone pouring some sort of liquid. I’m guessing the victim is Marty “The Moth” and whatever Mariposa is pouring is some chemical that is going to disfigure him. Good to see the Moths are stepping up their torture game!
1:41: No. NO! LU DID NOT JUST DO A FLASHDANCE HOMAGE! MOTHER OF PUSS BUCKET THEY DID! Upon close inspection (i.e. me pausing the video at just the right moment) I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is the new exotico LU has picked up, Sonny Kiss. I’m rolling right now in terms of predicting things so look for me to be right about this one too, if I do say so myself!
1:44: Catrina is teleporting into good ole Deer Antlers’ cabin. Haven’t you watched the trailer yet Catrina; the power glove is with Aerostar and they’re going back in time together!
1:46: The Groundbreaking New Series. Tell me something I didn’t know already LU.
1:47: Our first glimpse of Dante Fox is him in full uniform doing a salute. Is he being deployed again? Come on US military; the guy is a Trios Champion AND you guys left him to die overseas already once. Let’s just call it off and let him get back to fighting with Killshot forever. Yes even as they team; it’s never going to be over between those two, you can just tell.
1:49: Johnny Mundo is practicing his break dance fighting skills on a roof top at night. As you do.
1:50: Drago is walking on that same rooftop! Too bad he missed Mundo by a full day.
1:51: Taya is reaching! Cage is flexing! LU IS RETURNING! You already knew that but still, I’m hyped!
1:52: Catrina, cosplaying as Dana Scully minus the red hair, is trying to leave Mil’s shrine. He stops her. Dude must know she’s going to meet a shirtless Fenix in the middle of the Boyle Height Streets.
1:53: We have reached the most exciting scene from the teaser trailer, which is Johnny “Indiana” Mundo holding up the power glove has his eyes literally light up. UH OH! Now I have to wonder again; was the Indiana Mundo scene with Taya earlier on the Island of the Dolls or was it to find the power glove? Personally I like the latter, if only because I can tell you that this clip proves Mundo has a two day start on everyone else and that’s all he needs. Mundo’s got friends in every town and village from here to LA, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom, he and the Worldwide Underground will blend in, disappear, you’ll never see them again. With any luck, they’ve got the power glove already.
1:55: SUB ZERO! LU and Mortal Kombat are crossing over oh wait that’s just Matanza again. The lighting tricked me there! The good news for Matanza and his fans is that he’s clearly escaping wherever he was being held. That’s also bad news for whoever captured him. Gee, if only they had done something more than just chaining him to the floor!
1:57: I am Drago! Hear me roar. Also, PLEASE RESCUE ME FROM THE SNAKES AEROSTAR!
1:58: Hey it’s the Luchasaurus. Excuse me, I meant Vibora; apparently he’s sensitive about the Luchasaurus thing. Anyway, he’s kicking something while a coffin lies behind him. Luchasaurus vs. Mil in Grave Consequences confirmed?
1:59:…alright I’m not sure what’s going on here. It’s either someone doing sit ups or nope, definitely a luchadora putting an armbar on another luchadora. I can’t make it out entirely but it looks like Catrina has the arm bar on and Melissa Santos is the one screaming in pain. Makes sense considering Melissa is involved with Fenix and Catrina is desperately in love with Fenix. Let’s now all take a moment to wonder how the hell Fenix became Lucha Underground’s Val Venis.
2:00: Hot damn this fight is still going on. Maybe Melissa goes through a window, now she’s fighting back against Maybe Catrina by slamming her head into a bar. All over Fenix! Seriously, how did this happen and can Fenix teach me his secrets, minus the part where the love interests attack each other over me? That parts a little too much.
2:02: Speaking of too much, here’s a blood stained Paul London smiling while holding up Kevin Kross’ staff as Mala Suerte and Saltador linger in the background. One of two things happened; London finally snapped and offed someone or Kross did it and London is tripping so many balls he found it humorous. Could go either way!
2:03: Taya is convulsing while holding Ricky Mundo’s doll. And now I’m back to thinking the whole Indiana Mundo thing was about the Island of the Dolls. Dammit; there goes my Marcus Brody joke.
2:04: Vibora is back and he’s got Johnny Mundo in a chokehold. The Snakes vs. Worldwide Underground? Now I really don’t know what to believe anymore.
2:05: Ricky Mundo is back, blood all over his face and that Full Metal Jacket look still going strong. Note to self; don’t go to Island of the Dolls. Clearly it doesn’t work out for people.
2:06: MARTY! HE MADE IT! Or did he because he’s currently pounding on some door. Maybe LU locked him out. Then again he’s cackling away too so he can’t be that upset about whatever situation he’s gotten himself into.
2:07: Catrina is falling while holding Mil’s stone! Jack Swagger is screaming! I’M SCREAMING! Now Aerostar is back and he’s screaming! AND ALSO DOING THE KAMEHAMEHA! Or is he trying to heal someone? OR BOTH?!
2:11: Some momentary darkness and there’s that old voiceover guy. LUCHA UNDERGROUND (awesome LU noise!).
2:16: But we’re not done! We see Dario. Wait, that’s not Dario it’s a picture of Dario. But that guy reflected in the picture sure looks to be, albeit with long gray hair, sunglasses and the salt and pepper goatee to end all salt and pepper goatees. “This will be my new Temple!” he growls. I’m guessing this is El Jefe in disguise or it’s Father El Jefe. Is it wrong I want it to be the former?
2:21: It’s getting fast! Crowd shots. Taya. THE ACE HIMSELF PENTAGON DARK! High flying action involving Killshot and what looks to be Sammy Guevara while Son of Havoc and The Mack watch from ringside. Now it’s Ivelisse, Big Willie again, Pentagon kicking Matanza in the dome, Kobra Moon, Sonny Kiss, Tommy Dreamer (huh?), Dante Fox, Mariposa, Swagger dropping the Vader Bomb on Son of Havoc, Ricky Mundo and the doll, Guevara, corrupt Officer Joey Ryan, Fenix kicking Mundo, noble Officer Cortes “Reyes” Castro, Daga and his sword, a screaming Jesse Godderz, Killshot jumping over Marty while Pentagon looks on, Kross (looking more and more like a cross, pun fully intended, of the Mad Hatter and a voodoo master, London and the Rabbits, Havoc, Azteca, Jeremiah Crane, Chavo Guerrero jumping onto Pentagon, Swagger,…some woman I do not recognize (Chelsea Green?), Killshot, Fenix getting cuttered by someone, THE HOWLING LAUGHTER MAN (who looks like a dark Mascarita Sagrada, PJ Black cosplaying as Raven, Aerostar again, King Cuerno hitting Mundo with a crossbody, Drago (in his red outfit, not the Snake Tribe garb), Marty, Mil and Catrina, a running Matanza, Cuerno, Mil Muertes punching the ring as Fenix, Crane, Mundo and Pentagon all try to gather themselves, Fenix posing, Mundo posing, Mundo going for the End of the World AND IT’S FINISHED!
So there you have it sports fans; that is the Lucha Underground Season Four trailer. If you missed anything, go back and read this again because there is no point in summing it all up any more than it already has. Everything you want to get excited about, almost every luchadore that will be featured, all of it can be found in those two minutes and forty seconds of gonzo, off the wall brilliance. In fact I’m going to go watch it again for fun right now! I suggest you do the same.
Please change disks to continue…
ALSO…don’t miss your last chance to enter to win a mask from Penta Zero M – details here!