Sports fans, I am so excited about today that I’ve spent the last five minutes trying to come up with a worthy opening sentence only to produce this. Now I truly know what the writers of Green Lantern felt like when they saw that flat bottle of Pepsi onscreen. Just another reason to be excited! The biggest reason though is that today features one of the biggest events of the year for lucha libre, an event that makes Triplemania even more prestigious and the CMLL Arena Puebla show look like the opening credits of Novecento. Alright so it’s more the funniest event of the year for lucha libre; the CMLL Bodybuilding Contest! That’s right, today is the day CMLL opens up Arena Mexico to certain fans and media members to watch trainees do rolls, arm drags and the works before members of the CMLL roster come out and pose, showing off muscles that you never knew existed, according to Rob Viper. It’s an event filled with hilarity, excess, poses that have the luchadores and luchadoras looking like they’re on the verge of shitting their tights, more George Hamilton impersonators then you’ve ever needed to see in your life, Dalys being one loss away from snapping and going postal on everyone in Arena Mexico and so much spray tan that the Jersey Shore dudes would be in awe. Occasionally you’ll also have a guy like Soberano Jr. who treats the whole thing like one big joke, which just adds to the hilarity. The point is this show is always must see for people who enjoy a slice of unintentional comedy, such as myself. I enjoy it so much that, starting last year, I decided to make a tradition of doing a running diary of the Bodybuilding Contest. And you know that thing about traditions; they go on for a very long time. So grab the coldest bottle of Pepsi/Sunkist you can find, make sure the chicken is extra crispy and pull up a chair sports fans. This is Lucha Central’s Running Diary of the CMLL Bodybuilding Contest!
1:08: We are live and a little more than five minutes away from showtime sports fans! I’ve got my ice cold soda, some buffalo bites and zesty friends; if I were any more all set for this shindig I’d crispier than KFC popcorn chicken. On a scale from one to LUGER WON THE TITLE, I’m a full LUGER WON THE TITLE in terms of excitement.
1:11: IT’S STARTING EARLY! This is a rarity in lucha libre isn’t it? CMLL is starting with the trainees doing squats and push ups on the floor (as is custom with these shows, which is great because it gives me time to eat and not miss anything important! By the way, if you want to watch the show you may want to click here!
1:14: Now they are doing headstands. I did a headstand once. And just like that scene from Spaceballs we are never going to speak of it again.
1:16: And now the rolling drills. Where is Virus for all this? Isn’t he usually the guy that leads these things?
1:19: This whole thing is reminding me of the time we had to do forward rolls in eight grade PE, and I broke the mold and just did cartwheels. Never in my life did I earn an F like I did that one.
1:22: I have come here to eat buffalo bites and watch hilarious lucha happenings. And I’m all out of buffalo bites.
1:23: Now trainees are doing flips over two other trainees. Nice. The most notable thing of this pointless exercise thus far is one trainee in blue shorts nearly slipping on everything he does. The dude is destined to win the “Sangre Imperial Award” for most times mocked by Rob Viper two years from now.
1:27: Blue Shorts is now having a sequence with a guy in a Rey Horus like mask…AND he just dropped the dude on his head. CMLL is gonna give this dude the Jar Jar Binks treatment soon.
1:32: Is this over already?! It better because cause I need to refill my orange solo cup. Yes I live the life of a king. A nerdy king but a king none the less!
1:35: It has begun! I am looking at numerous scantly clad luchadores as we speak. Generally how CMLL does this is by splitting everyone into several categories; beginners/rookies, women and a few others I can’t remember. This is definitely the beginners/rookies portion, mostly because I have no idea who any of these peeps are.
1:37: SO! MUCH! FLEXING!
1:38: One dude was just flexing so hard I was afraid he was going to burst. He was shaking and everything.
1:40: The second batch of newbies is up and my Grodd that guy at the end looks like a pizza I once burnt. There’s toasted, there’s crispy and then there Beginner #17.
1:42: Now another five beginners. No one is really crispy here but we do have one guy who looks like Groot and DEAR GRODD GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?! The Bodybuilding Contest is known for luchadores wearing the shortest speedos around by man, they seem shorter than ever this year. This is all Valiente’s doing I tell you.
1:45: The Groot guy just flexed so hard I could see his skin tearing. Breaking news; The Incredible Hulk is real and he’s in the CMLL Bodybuilding Contest!
1:46: Looks like Beginner’s 1, 2, 3, 9, 10 and 15 were brought back for the final flex. I’m rooting for #9; in the words of the commentator from NHL 04, he’s got the best mask.
1:49: Yup, definitely feeling #9 here and not just cause of the mask; he actually looks to be decently ripped even when not flexing and also doesn’t look like a hot dog left on the grill too long. Hey, our first look at the judges. They’re like the American Idol judges, only less annoying cause they don’t speak.
1:50: Just learned that #9 is Mosco. GO MOSCO!
1:52: THE MICROS DIVISION!
1:53: So Microman is definitely in this. I don’t recognize the guy to the right to him and the guy on the left is the referee for the micros matches generally. Do I remember his name? Nope. This is a friendly reminder that I cover CMLL three times a week!
1:55: Just missed what the names of the two guys were because I was asking fellow lucha fan and friend of Lucha Central Eve what their names were. Look what this competition is doing to me!
1:56: Are we now onto the female portion? I guess we are. One of them is Emily Rose, the other I don’t know. No Dalys, so I’m thinking this isn’t the actual luchadora portion.
1:57: We have the names of who Microman was facing! They were Micro Angel and Micro Atomo. Congrats on being second and third in your respective division gentlemen!
1:59: all indications are this is the beginners division for luchadoras, so Dalys is still alive. I never got the name of both women here, but I’ll go with #21 for the win. Yes I have some idea of what’s going on right now.
2:02: Finally some recognizable names. Fugaz, Super Astro Jr., Retro, Angelito, Pequeno Nitro, Halcon Suriano and I think even Titan were names I caught in this next group. As Martin Lawrence would say…
2:04: The dude flexing next to Retro right now needs help. He looks like this girl I saw outside a pizza parlor one time who had her hip bones sticking out five inches.
2:05: Oh my Grodd; “I’ve Got the Power” is playing in the background! I JUST HEARD IT! DUH DUH, DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH, I’VE GOT THE POWER!
2:07: I have been informed the other beginner luchadora was named Cenia Ruth. For those who wanted to know. The new batch featuring Super Astro Jr. and Sangre Imperial is up by the way.
2:08: Not only is Sangre Imperial bad at lucha but he’s bad at flexing. His most recent pose could best be described as “alien bursting out of John Hurt’s stomach.”
2:10: Just had to put “I’ve Got the Power” on in the background. What can I say; it got stuck in my head. I may have to follow it up with the entire Rocky IV soundtrack.
2:12: Apparently Puebla legend Rey Samuray was part of that last batch, which I could tell only because there were fans cheering him on from the crowd. I’m not saying it would be the most CMLL thing ever for the Bodybuilding Contest to elevate Samuray as opposed to him doing stuff like Brillo 450’s…but yeah, it would be the most CMLL thing.
2:13: These judges have either never seen Alien or have no idea how to judge a bodybuilding contest, because Sangre Imperial just got called back to the final flex off of this group. How does he take advantage of the situation? By doing a pose where he looks like he’s taking the biggest shit of his life. Tom Cruise in the “Goose is dead” scene from Top Gun didn’t look like he needed to shit that bad.
2:16: The Sangre Imperial group has departed. Up next is…hey, Cavernario! He leads out Triton, 2017 all crisper Niebla Roja, 2016 Mr. CMLL Principe Diamante, Rey Samuray (wasn’t he just out there?) and Dragon Rojo Jr. Roja isn’t looking as baked this year but my Grodd El General is well done and then some. No wonder Polvora is the lower rank of Los Revolucionarios.
2:19: You gotta feel for Triton. You could tell in the weeks leading up to this that he was putting so much work into trying to win…and yet he’s clearly behind Roja and El General.
2:20: Of course no sooner did I say that did Triton come back with an outstanding flex! I still think he’s behind Roja and the leather that has replaced Dragon Rojo Jr.’s skin but hey; miracles do happen. Watch the end of Ultima Lucha IV if you don’t believe me.
2:23: Rojo, Roja and Triton move on to the final pose off. My hopes are up!
2:25: Alright can we move on judges? How many more times do I need to look at these dudes back flex? I’m ready to watch others back flex dammit!
2:26: Look at that contingent of Triton fans in the crowd. The people want Triton to win; THE PEOPLE NEED TRITON TO WIN!
2:28: Time for the next group! It’s the luchadoras division, and it’s going to be Dalys vs. Lluvia vs. Reyna Isis vs. AVISPA DORADA! Sweet, I have someone to root for here.
2:30: I am sad to say there’s no chance anyone but Dalys is winning here. That woman is just a made for this competition; it’s like she finds a way to get even more ripped than she already is. And that’s saying something because Dorada, Lluvia and Reyna may be in better shape than half the dudes I’ve seen in this competition. Dalys is that good.
2:34: The luchadoras are done and it’s time for the next group. We’ve got Astral, Angel del Amor (who?) and Espiritu Negro. Who did Astral pay off to get into this group?! Not since Cavs vs. Raptors, Eastern Conference Semi-Finals has there been more of a sure thing.
2:37: We interrupt Astral owning Angel del Amor and Espiritu Negro to give you the name of the Blue Shorts dude from the trainee sequences! Turns out he is Emiliano Prado, a national champion in amateur wrestling. I guess amateur wrestling has taken a nose dive because that dude couldn’t do anything to save his life earlier. Hence why I’m going to continue to refer to him as Blue Shorts. When you’re to lucha what Adam is to Buffy villains, you lose the right to your name and get a shitty nickname instead. Those are the rules.
2:40: I really wanted to use a gif of Matt Lillard from Scream saying “those are the rules” to cap off the last paragraph but couldn’t find one. Why am I telling you this? So you know why you’re getting another Lillard Scream gif right here instead.
2:42: The Astral group is over…wait is that it? Are there no more groups? I NEED MORE GROUPS DAMMIT!
2:43: It looks lie we’re done and they’re deciding the winners. Or maybe I’m just misreading the situation because the beginning luchadoras are coming out again.
2:45: And now they’re done with no trophies being presented. What was the point to that?
2:47: CMLL is now in complete time killing mode it seems.
2:49: Finally the bald dude has shut up and Micro Angel, Micro Atomo and Microman are out. No sooner are they out do they turn to leave, only to return to…stand there until a woman gets in. CAN WE CROWN SOME GORRAM WINNERS ALREADY?!
2:52: I guess they’re just giving the judges one last look at all the finalists. That or CMLL is really trying to annoy me. Either way the micros are gone and out now are Emperador Azteca, some guy who’s name I couldn’t get and another guy who’s name I couldn’t get. That’s happening a lot. The third guy to come out (Luchador #1) is ultimately the winner, so I guess he’s Mr. CMLL Beginners! Good for you, luchador that looks like a lizard/Scorpion/Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat.
2:55: The winners of the next group are Halcon Suriano (third place), Sangre Imperial (second place) and…Fugaz! So it’s Fugaz and Sub Zero looking guy currently in contention for Mr. CMLL.
2:58: Looks like Fugaz got both a trophy and a $3,000 peso check! That’s $148.21 US; might as well have just gotten him a Gift Certificate to a Steakhouse instead.
2:59: Next group is up. Niebla Roja is third…DAMMIT! Triton is only second. So close and yet so far away. And yes, the Crispy General himself, Dragon Rojo Jr., is the winner.
3:00: My reaction to everything that just happened.
3:02: If I were Triton, I would’ve broken my second place trophy over Rojo’s head and run off with his check. Thank Grodd for CMLL I’m not ever taking part in this competition.
3:03: Luchadoras are next. Avispa Dorada is third, Lluvia is second and, shocker of all shocker’s, Dalys is first. She truly is the Michael Jordan of this contest. Frankly I’d make her Mr. CMLL at this point. Not even Mrs.; just scrap that and make her Mr. CMLL. If Becky Lynch can be The Man, why can’t Dalys as well?
3:05: Turns out the winner of the beginners division (Luchador #1) was named Thor. That’s right; Thor. I like how that’s his name and yet he looked as much like a Thor as I do a Spider-Man.
3:06: You’re not going to believe this…but Astral was first place in his division. Who could’ve guessed? Honestly the most surprising part of it all was Angel del Amor looking sad about it. No one told him it was a show I guess.
3:08: As if this event wasn’t already a complete hoot, I’d like to report that Astral’s trophy is only a foot shorter than him. Highest of comedy.
3:10: We’re doing a final flex off it looks like. There’s two things that need to be said before this is done. First, Dalys absolutely should win. Second, why didn’t Astral get his own 3,000 peso check?! The other three got one and he doesn’t?! And I thought having to face Cancerbero, Metalico and Nitro 100 times a year was the worst thing CMLL could do to Astral.
3:12: NO! MORE! FLEXING! JUST GIVE US A WINNER DAMMIT!
3:15: Or not! For the second straight year Astral is Mr. CMLL, and who needs a $3,000 peso check when you can get a $5,000 peso check! Good for Astral; it totally should’ve been Dalys who won but she at least has being the ace of the luchadoras division to fall back on. Come next Tuesday Astral will be getting dropped on his head by Metalico while Electrico looks on from the ropes, knowing the same fate is about to befall him.
And that’s the 2018 CMLL Bodybuilding Contest sports fans. I know I had a great time watching it and I hope you had fun following along with me. The fun’s not over for today though as I’ll be back later tonight with a review of AAA’s Lucha Capital show. TILL THEN!
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