You would think this would be an easy Lucha Underground preview for me this week. After all there are only two matches listed for the show (one of which features an unknown participant) and the other stuff going is too vague (a new contender for Pentagon’s title, Worldwide Underground having issues) to go into detail about. So naturally go down as one of my longest previews ever because there is SO MUCH to talk about regarding the main event it’s not even funny. And that’s without me making jokes about the Fenix-Jeremiah Crane-Mil Muertes match being named Three Way to the Grave, which of course reminds me of the DMX cinematic classic Cradle 2 the Grave and the legendary song DMX did for it. FENIX GONNA GIVE IT TO YA, CRANE GONNA GIVE IT TO YA, MIL GONNA GIVE IT TO YA, CATRINA GONNA GIVE IT TO YA! WHEN WE GONNA…ROCK! WHEN WE GONNA…ROLL! Wow, I don’t know what came over me there. The point is there’s a lot to talk about and let’s get previewing before I turn into DMX again.
Put Up or Shut Up Challenge
Jack Evans vs. Luchador Sorpresa
What to Expect: In the immortal words of Lex Luger, I DON’T KNOW! Blame LU not revealing who Jack’s opponent is at the time of this writing, even though they’re totally going to do it the moment I post it because the universe is against me for some reason. But you don’t want to hear about that because JACK EVANS IS BACK! He won’t be back for long (he’s revealed he’ll be gone from LU after season four) but he’s back for this show and that’s good news. What hilariously over the top things will Jack say? Will he do some cool break dancing moves? What nickname will he bestow upon himself? WILL THE WHITEBOARD BE THERE?!
Alas I’m told those questions are secondary to who Jack’s opponent is so let’s focus on that. Logically speaking Angelico makes the most sense here, only Angelico is already gone for good and I’M NOT CRYING IT’S THE GORRAM ONIONS! So yeah it’s not him. The tease of Worldwide Underground tension could point to Jack facing Johnny or Ricky Mundo, Taya or even PJ Black as a way to kick Jack out of the group. And hey; maybe Jack is Pentagon’s next challenger! I’ve seen weirder things and it does give Pentagon another arm to break (sorry Jack!). In the end though I think we stick to the recurring theme of LU the past few weeks and this Luchador Sorpresa is a new face in the Temple. Whoever it is will be in good hands because Jack is Jack and this match, as short as it might be, will probably be just as fun as Jack’s writings on the whiteboard used to be. Man I’m going to miss that whiteboard almost as much as the FIFA Champ. Almost.
Winner: The new guy. Or new girl. Either way Jack is losing and screaming “NO!” in an over the top fashion afterwards while Johnny Mundo shakes his head in disgust.
Three Way to the Grave
Fenix vs. Jeremiah Crane vs. Mil Muertes
What to Expect: Sit down sports fans; it’s time to tell the story of how we got to DMX’s favorite wrestling match of all time. You may recall that in season one Fenix and Mil started feuding over Catrina, who started out as Mil’s manager/paramour before falling for the righteous dude who could do really cool flips. That’s how we got to the legendary Grave Consequences match where Fenix appeared to kill Mil and win Catrina’s heart…only Catrina was playing 4D chess and was just using Fenix to kill Mil to make Mil stronger. You with me so far?
Eventually Mil returned to powerbombed Fenix through a roof (as you do to someone who has taken your woman or man, even if it was all part of the plan) and went on to capture the Lucha Underground Championship from Prince Puma at Ultima Lucha Uno. But Fenix is like Angel from Buffy and Angel; he just won’t die no matter what untold hell dimension you send him to. So after a few weeks off he too returned, winning, losing and then re-winning (is that a word? I DON’T KNOW!) the Gift of the Gods Championship from King Cuerno to earn a title shot against Mil. You’ll never believe this but Fenix triumphed over Mil to end his reign, only to then lose the title the next week in Aztec Warfare II to Matanza. After that things cooled; Mil went after Matanza with Catrina by his side, Fenix became a trios champion, shaved Marty “The Moth’s” head and fell in love with Melissa Santos because the women just love Fenix. But while the Fenix-Mil stuff faded away the Catrina-Fenix stuff lingered; even before Fenix beat Mil to win the LU title Catrina admitted to him she wished things had been different, she later admitted she was in love with someone who wasn’t Mil and was last seen stalking Fenix and Melissa in the season three end tag. Luckily for her Mil appears to be blissfully unaware of this…which makes him the exact opposite of Jeremiah Crane.
Crane, who looks and acts an awfully lot like that guy who caved Eddie “Eddie Edwards” Edwards’ face in on Impact, entered LU as the boyfriend of Ivelisse. Only he was pretty much just using her to get into the building and close to Catrina, who he once had a relationship with eons ago. And when I say eons I mean EONS. Turns out Catrina and Crane have been alive for a long ass time; Catrina because she’s stuck between life and death, Crane because who the hell knows. Maybe he caved Death’s face in with a ball bat and was allowed to just continue on. The point is Crane returned to win Catrina back, only he couldn’t because Catrina is in love with Fenix and, at worst, really into Mil. So Crane did everything he could to win Catrina’s heart, be it try to win the Cueto Cup, defeat Mil Muertes or steal the power glove (which, at last update, is still so very, very bad) to give to her so she could then trade it in order to restore her life force. Oh yes, did I mention that Catrina is trying to become mortal again and the only way to do so is to a) trade the power glove to her immortal mother (Police Captain Vasquez) or b) suck the life force out of a man who cannot die, aka Fenix, the man she loves? Cause that’s totally a thing. Are you still with me?
In any event Crane failed at each turn and then had to watch on as Catrina watched Fenix and Melissa drive away, knowing that’s who she preferred. All of this (and as you can see, it’s a lot) collided in the first two episodes of season four. First Mil could barely make it out of the blocks in Aztec Warfare IV, infuriating Catrina enough that she walked out on him. The week after, when she couldn’t retrieve the power glove because the man who stole it (King Cuerno) gave it to Aerostar to hide it in time, Catrina approached new LU owner Antonio Cueto with the idea of doing Fenix vs. Mil Muertes in Grave Consequences II (Electric Boogaloo). The idea, as Catrina presented it, was that Mil would defeat Fenix in this match, effectively killing him (and when you lose Grave Consequences you are dead, at least until Catrina or Vampiro bring you back) and take his life force to become mortal again. Whether or not that’s actually her goal remains to be seen…and it’s almost become secondary because upon learning of Grave Consequences II: Mil Muertes Strikes Back, Crane barged into Cueto’s office and demanded he be put in the match. Why? Because Crane figures his chances with Catrina will greatly improve if the two most important men in her life are gone and…hell maybe removing Mil and Fenix (while giving Catrina Fenix’ life force) will be enough for her to overlook the fact Crane removed the two most important men in her life and ride off towards The Last House on the Left. Cueto questioned why Crane would risk his life for a woman, Crane correctly pointed out that Catrina isn’t just any other woman (the most correct statement in LU history) and that, sports fans, is how we wound up with Three Way to the Grave, a match where two men will go into a coffin and only one will emerge victorious.
Now there’s two ways of looking at this match now that you’ve absorbed all that. If all that was too difficult to follow and you have no idea what’s going on, that’s alright; you’re probably going to enjoy this match anyway! The Grave Consequences matches have yet to be let downs and Crane, Fenix and Mil are all excellent workers who are going to go absolutely nuts to put this match on par with the original, Mil-Matanza and Mil-Prince Puma from season three. You can watch this match with no idea of what’s going on and enjoy it for the violent spectacle it’ll be. If however, you’re like me and know this whole story then this match is going to have a chance to be legendary. There’s so much going on here and so many possibilities. Mil could kill both Fenix and Crane and give Catrina what she wants…which could then just lead to her turning around, resurrecting Fenix and finally being with him. Crane could win and win Catrina’s heart by giving her what she wants…only she just does the same thing anyway and Crane goes full blown rage quit. Fenix could just win and then who the hell knows. And that’s all before we get into what exactly Catrina’s motivations are for this match (it could be any of the scenarios above, it could be none) and, in a move no one is thinking about, how Ivelisse fits in. Remember how she was Crane’s girlfriend at one point? Well season three ended with her beating Catrina and then getting her ankle shattered by Crane; that’s not something one gets over. I would not be shocked at all if Ivelisse is seen here, which just adds more possibilities to where this could be going. Hell for all I know none of that happens. Whatever the case this is a must see match. It’ll be brutal, it’ll be bloody, it’ll be fun and it’ll shape a whole lot of things going forward in the LU universe.
Winner: I was actually 100% confident in my pick before I did this write up. Now I’ve talked myself into being unsure because of all the scenarios. Dammit Cult! It probably would be wise to go with my original pick, which was Fenix defeating both Mil and Crane with some assistance from Catrina (turning on Mil), Ivelisse (getting revenge on Crane) and maybe even Melissa. They are still involved after all. But you know what; I love, LOVE the idea of Fenix surprisingly getting offed, Catrina getting his life force and then her bringing him back anyway because she does truly love him and that’s the best way she’s figured out them being together (never mind Melissa is still involved!). So I’m going bold; Jeremiah Crane is going to win this match. That’s right; instead of getting written off, Crane goes on to win after Catrina turns on Fenix AND Mil, followed by Ivelisse coming out after to set up Crane vs. her and the long con being Catrina bringing Fenix back. How does that work for Mil? I don’t know; maybe Catrina brings him back too, maybe someone else does (remember, Vampiro knows how and he and Mil were tight in another life. Or so I hear). It probably won’t matter because I’m probably 100% off but I just…I just really like this idea. So let’s go with it. Crane wins, Crane vs. Ivelisse is next, Fenix eventually returns and Crane vs. Fenix takes place later this season. I like it!
That’s game sports fans. Be sure to check back into Lucha Central tonight for my CMLL Tuesday review and good Grodd, you have to come back tomorrow for my LU review just to see what happened with all of that! How can you not when there’s so many potential twists and turns?! Till next time, a sneak preview for tomorrow.
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