This is going to be a short intro sports fans. It’s a beautiful day outside and I’ve spent all of it inside cleaning the apartment, jamming to some Coheed and Cambria and now writing this preview for CMLL’s Tuesday show. Thank Grodd it’s not the black hole last week’s show was, complete with a few promising undercard matches and an Último Guerrero title match which, if nothing else, should be highly watchable. Even still I need some sunlight. I’m too pale! And that we’re getting into the previewing now. Don’t worry; it’s still a good time.
Acero & Aéreo vs. Mercurio & Pequeño Nitro
What to Expect: Every week it seems like CMLL runs this match expecting a different result and every week they get the same damn thing; mediocrity the likes of which only Starship Troopers could dream of. This will be no different. Watch only if you’re invested in the story of Aéreo’s soul slowly dying.
Winners: When in doubt go with the rudos. They take it in three falls.
Retro, Sensei, Star Jr. vs. Akuma, Espanto Jr., Nitro
What to Expect: For a moment I was preparing to ask just what in the hell Star Jr. did to deserve being put in this match. Then I remembered his Botchamania level performance in the Gran Alternativa Block B finals and remembered he was likely doomed to these matches till Francis Ford Coppola finally makes Megalopolis. Just another thing for me to be depressed about I suppose.
The good news is…wait, there is no good news! You could argue several Star Jr.-Akuma sequences would count as something to look forward to but a) even that isn’t enough to cover up the rest of the mediocrity in this match and b) because this is CMLL those two are likely getting a minute together at most. That leaves the rest of the match to be carried by Used Future Rey Samuray (Sensei), Retro and his miscast old school style and the two headed monster of suck known as Espanto Jr. and Nitro. There is no hope, there is no Grodd and on top of that the cage wasn’t 30 feet. Search your feelings Teddy; you know it to be true, just like we all know this match is going to be one big pile of shit.
Winners: Not only are the technicos not winning this match but Star Jr. is getting pinned because of course he is. I just hope its Akuma doing the pinning in fall three instead of Nitro; otherwise I may have to drown my sorrows in a tub of Sunkist.
Esfinge, Stigma, Tritón vs. Disturbio, Okumura, Virus
What to Expect: I mean on the one hand, this match has way too much Esfinge and Stigma. I mostly say that because both guys are easily the second and third fiddles of their team behind Tritón, yet you just know they’re going to get the bulk of the offense in the match because nepotism is one hell of a drug sports fans. That right there makes me less excited for this match. On the other hand, Tritón is in this and Virus is on the rudo side, along with solid workers in Disturbio and Okumura. I’m not saying that’ll be enough to save us from at least three missed Esfinge kicks and Stigma spamming Backpack Stunners, but you just know that Virus is going to be super great at what he does and Tritón will find a way to get breathtaking move off. In other words, watch this match; you may actually like some of what you find.
Winners: Finally something where the technicos not only have a chance to win but will win! Tritón and the Tritónettes take this in three falls after…jeez, what is Tritón’s finishing move? Is it the 450? He loses so much I don’t remember! All the more reason CMLL needs to give this dude a gigantic push already.
Blue Panther, Blue Panther Jr., The Panther vs. Felino, Hechicero, Shocker
What to Expect: If only the rudo team had featured someone other than Shocker as the final member.
Even with Shocker’s presence I’m not entirely ready to give up on this match. Felino and Hechicero are that damn good and are perfect compliments for the Panthers, who could be on complete autopilot and still deliver the goods. It’s just going to come down to how much Shocker gets used in this match. The right thing to do would be to let Shocker in for triple teams and short bursts before letting everyone else handle the match. Sadly this is CMLL, Shocker is a big star and you just know he’s getting one too many sequences in this match to prevent it from truly catching fire. It still should be solid, but it would be so much better if Shocker was either kept to the sidelines or got lost on his way to Arena Mexico. I do not oppose anyone who wishes for those two scenarios.
Winners: It’s one of those “could go either way” scenarios, so let’s flip the Canadian Dollar. Heads technicos, moose rudos…BREAK OUT THE MOOSE! The rudos win in three falls behind something Felino and Hechicero do.
NWA World Historic Middleweight Championship
Último Guerrero (c) vs. Stuka Jr.
What to Expect: It took two weeks and a few shows we’d like to forget but we’ve finally reached the UG vs. Stuka, a match that’s actually worth giving a damn about. Sure Stuka isn’t on the same level as UG, both card placement wise and as a talent. It doesn’t change that he’s a very solid worker overall who’s opportunities have been limited to Lightning Matches and silly duels with Okumura in Japan. This will be the biggest match Stuka has all year and I’d venture he’ll bring his best effort. And that’s all he’ll need against the UG, who proved once again this past Friday why he’s one of CMLL’s top stars and as beloved a worker as you’ll find in lucha libre today. I won’t go as far to say this will be a classic, but it has a chance to be a really strong match and maybe even a great one. It all depends on how much Stuka hits that extra gear.
Winner: This is a no brainer result. Not only is CMLL not going to have the UG lose two straight big matches but they’re also not taking his star power out of the Universal Championship tournament, especially for Stuka. On top of that Stuka is one of the few luchadores on the roster who could actually go for the moonsault before the UG counters it with the Guerrero Special and have it make sense; there’s no way UG doesn’t take advantage of that! As such the Middleweight Champion will retain once more in three falls, after he nails that Guerrero Special.
Atlantis, Carístico, Mistico vs. Ephesto, Luciferno, Mephisto
What to Expect: I know I continue to be wrong about these matches recently but not this time! Atlantis’ involvement (and his limited ability these days) guarantees that this is going to be the type of match where everyone wants to…I’ll let the Chappelle Show take it from here.
In other words, they’ll be in and out in less than ten minutes and that is a-okay by me.
Winners: The technicos send the crowd home happy with a victory in three falls as Carístico taps out Ephesto with La Mistica and Atlantis taps out Luciferno with La Mistica.
And scene. I’ll return later tonight sports fans for the Puebla review. For now though I’m off to take a walk, play some Uncharted 3 and make some homemade macaroni and cheese. Till we meet again, THIS!
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