When I first looked at this CMLL Tuesday card, I felt as hopeless as I’m sure the Jack the Ripper investigators felt. There looked to be no hope on this card. None. Zero. NUNCA! As per usual that’s not the case. Make no mistake; this Tuesday show is still going to be a long night, what with its soul sucking opener and the continued crushing of Akuma’s dreams to start the show. But it gets better after that and, as per usual, has nothing offensive. Now if only CMLL could feature something good! Maybe next week. But that’s then and this is now. So let’s begin the preview.
Aéreo & Acero vs. Mercurio & Pequeño Violencia
What to Expect: I just want to say, and I think I speak for everyone when I say it, NEXT!
Winners: The rudos. Now can we please move on? Did I not give a strong enough hint that I’m not talking about this garbage match? NEXT! NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!
Magnus, Retro, Sangre Imperial vs. Akuma, Inquisidor, Yago
What to Expect: Last week Akuma posted a very honest Instagram message where he apologized for what was a ghastly trios match he was involved in (Metálico and Astral get most of the credit for that) and asked for an opportunity to show what he could actually do. Naturally CMLL decided to book him in a match with two of the worst technicos on their roster. The only saving grace is he’s also in there with the man, the myth, THE MAGNUS!
Unfortunately that’s probably not going to be enough, unless CMLL decides to give us twenty minutes of Magnus battling Akuma and Yago while the other three luchadores twiddle their thumbs. You see that happening? I didn’t think so. Thus the only hope is that Magnus or Akuma are reading this preview right now and decide to make the most of their limited time by going batshit crazy. Do it guys. DO IT! I will speak highly of you on Lucha Central if you do so.
Winners: There are no grumpy old luchadores here (say what you will about Inquisidor but he’s not that) which means Magnus and his lackeys will win! They take it in three falls after Magnus does something cool while Imperial and the perpetually miscast Retro do something decidedly uncool.
Pegasso vs. Virus
What to Expect: I know what you’re thinking; sure Virus is in this match but so is Pegasso, and his knees are shakier than the fourth season of Community. I say SO THE [redacted] what?! It’s Virus; in his sleep he has okay matches and this will be no different. Expect Virus to keep the pace up, do the little thing in the super cool way he does them and for Pegasso to get at least a dive or two in to make this match semi-decent.
Winner: Virus. He wins at around the seven minute mark with a bad ass submission that only he knows the name to. I sure as hell don’t know it!
Black Panther, Blue Panther, Blue Panther Jr. vs. Misterioso Jr., Puma, Tiger
What to Expect: Another match where people are all “it could’ve been good, but Misterioso is in it so now it’ll suck!” Did I miss when Misterioso became bad or something? One moment it was like we all forgot he existed and now he’s Zack Snyder announcing his participation in a Justice League film. Well except to those crazed people who think Sucker Punch was a misunderstood masterpiece and make memes like this.
Hey, for all I know he is and I just missed it, but everything I’ve seen from Misterioso recently suggests he’s less like Metálico and more like an unmotivated Raziel; he just kind of exists. And that’s fine with me because all he needs to do in this match is exist while Puma and Tiger do their double teams, Blue Panther works his magic and Black Panther and Junior do their thing (suicide dives, backbreakers; you get the idea). It won’t be as good as it would’ve been on a Friday show but it’s still the Panthers, Puma and Tiger. We’re gonna have a good time watching it, no matter what Misterioso does.
Winners: The rudos are taking this in three falls, after another cool Puma and Tiger double team that will not be called the BOLA no matter how many times I make that lame joke. But I’ll keep doing it anyway because Puma is in BOLA this year and HOW COOL IS THAT SHIT?!
Flyer, Stuka Jr., Valiente vs. Felino, Rey Bucanero, Shocker
What to Expect: The son will rise, the son will set, Flyer will be the best guy in this match and it won’t matter because Shocker and Rey Rey Buc will be slumming it more than a slugger one year removed from his contract year. At least we might get a few cool sequences between Felino and all three technicos though!
Winners: Yes these rudos may all be old, established dudes who always win and yes I may be stupid for going this way but who cares; I’ve got the technicos. They win it in three falls after Stuka hits the Stuka Splash on Rey Rey Buc.
Ángel de Oro, Kráneo, Niebla Roja vs. Cuatrero, Forastero, Sansón
What to Expect: Out went the Flyer-Forastero feud, in came Niebla Roja vs. Sanson. Not a bad trade off actually. I’m still super excited for Flyer vs. Forastero if they ever get to it but Roja-Sansón ain’t bad at all. It’s like going from Uncharted 2 to Uncharted 3; it’s not quite what you were expecting but it’s still rad as hell and Nathan Drake will still be a man of questionable ethics when all is said and done.
Anyway, we all know how this is going sports fans. Roja and Sansón will have quick spurts of brawling before avoiding each other, Kráneo will do comedy, Ángel de Oro will continue to look as though he’s been shot out of a cannon, the Dinamitas will collectively do some cool stuff and it’ll all conclude with Sansón low blowing Roja. It’s just a question of whether the ref will see it or not. Either way this should still be solid, if not quite what it could’ve been on a Friday show or with nothing to build towards.
Winners: I say the ref doesn’t see Sansón fouling Roja, which leads to a Dinamitas victory and Sansón challenging Roja to a CMLL World Light Heavyweight Championship match next week. It will be accepted and I’ll be excited. Good shit.
That’s game sports fans. I’m off to do absolutely nothing. Or as I call it, the good life. Till tonight when I bring you the Puebla results!
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