You know what sucks; when you’re the only CMLL show not voted as one of the ten best weekly shows of 2018 by the Wrestling Observer Newsletter voters. CMLL Super Viernes was voted third, CMLL Puebla was inexplicably voted eighth and yet the poor, poor CMLL Tuesday show (better known as CMLL Martes Arena Mexico) didn’t place at all. Then again, can you blame voters for overlooking a show that puts together cards like this one? Gee willikers, this show is so unpromising it just made me utter the phrase gee willikers for the first time in my life. The best thing about it is that it potentially sets up a huge match for next week. Otherwise there are two okay matches and one big pile of the smelly stuff. All of which means I’ll just have to crack more jokes to entertain you as I break this bad boy down. You may also want to put on “Ska Sucks” by Propagandhi as well, cause when you’re doing a preview column making fun of a below average show, it’s only fitting you play a song that makes fun of a below average form of music. I kid I kid…or do I?!
Acero & Aéreo vs. Pequeño Olimpico & Pequeño Violencia
What to Expect: This match is like going to a restaurant and ordering the worst possible meal to spite yourself. Yeah I’ll have the shit special with a side order of just kill me now please? Not only is this a CMLL opener match (the death slot unless it’s a big show), but it features a rudo team that, at best, can be described as pathetic, while the technico team features the forever mediocre Acero and an honest to Grodd talented luchador in Aéreo who by this point has had the will beaten out of him by matches like this. He’ll give a decent effort of his first gear stuff, Acero will try and fail, Olímpico and Violencia won’t try at all and can we talk about something else? This is the Racer X reveal scene in Speed Racer levels of depressing.
Winners: When in doubt, go with the rudos. They win in three painful falls.
Oro Jr., Sensei, Star Jr. vs. Cancerbero, Raziel, Universo 2000 Jr.
What to Expect: I can’t say this is my favorite pairing in the world (that would be Roger Waters, Doug Gilmore, Richard Wright and Nick Mason by the way) but at least this match has hope, unlike the opener. The keys will be how much time used future Rey Samuray (Sensei) gets, how much Cancerbero and Raziel are willing to do and whether or not Universo 2000 Jr. has improved enough since I last saw him. If we get the best case scenario for all three factors then this match could be good! Seeing as this is CMLL however, I reckon Used Future Samuray will get too much time, Cancerbero and Raziel will snooze and Universo Jr. will continue to be the NGD black sheep while Oro and Star Jr. throw in a few cool moves to save this from being a complete bore.
Winners: It’s the Tuesday show, which means the young guys are losing a match they should win. Los Cancerberos and Universo Jr. take this in three falls, with Cancerbero and Raziel at least doing a cool finishing sequence on Oro and Star Jr. to end it.
Kaho Kobayashi, Marcela, Princesa Sugehit vs. Amapola, Dalys, Zeuxis
What to Expect: The match that should’ve happened at Homenaje a Dos Leyendas instead takes place on the Tuesday show. Only in CMLL! I’d love to meet the guy/girl who thought having this on Tuesday was inferior to a match that featured gorram Seductora! They probably also think season four of Community was the best season in the history of the show.
Of course, the problem with getting this match on a Tuesday instead of the second biggest show of the year means the energy level probably isn’t going to be the same. Then again maybe it will considering it features the Queen herself Zeuxis and the living embodiment of caffeine known as Kaho Kobayashi. You know those two will try and if nothing else that, coupled with Dalys, Marcela, Amapola and Sugehit being all good to enough to even be solid in coast mode, should make this interesting. In fact, this could easily wind up being the Match of the Evening if things go right. I’m not sure if that’s a testament to this match or an indictment on the rest of this show. As Cordelia Chase would say when advising Harmony on which version of “Candle in the Wind” to sing, go nuts and do both. Now that I’ve said that out loud I’m not sure that comparison works. Ah who cares, leave it in Cult!
Winners: Pop quiz; what is the one thing I never do? If you answered “never bet against the queen” give yourself a gold star! Team Zeuxis wins after Zeuxis hits Kobayashi with a Package Piledriver, followed by Dalys putting out Sugehit with a Swing Bottom. Man, isn’t it great to have Zeuxis back for two weeks in a row?
Ephesto vs. Rey Bucanero
What to Expect:
I may have defended Rey Rey Buc leading up to his “better than everyone but me expected” performance at H2L, but that was when I knew he was going to be in the ring with Terrible, Valiente and Volador. This match features him tangling with Ephesto, a guy whose only notable skill is hitting a slightly competent suicide dive. It’s a tad bit better than CMLL booking Arkángel vs. Hijo del Signo in a Lightning Match, but only because that was Arkángel vs. Hijo del Signo in a Lightning Match. That’s AAA giving La Parka/Pagano vs. Dave the Clown/Hijo del Dr. Wagner Jr. an half an hour to work levels of stupid! In other words, this match will be better than that, and it’s such a low bar to clear that this match will still end up making you wish you had continued working on that adventure story you want to turn into a screenplay. It’s basically going to be Uncharted, except this time the Nathan Drake esq character is the ultimate white privilege dude who gets called on his bullshit. Will he change? You’ll have to wait till I get funded!
Winner: Oh who cares? Let’s say Rey Rey Buc wins in 7 minutes and let’s move on with our lives.
Guerrero Maya Jr., Rey Cometa, Stuka Jr. vs. Johnny Idol, Kawato San, Okumura
What to Expect: It only took a month but CMLL has finally put Kawato and Okumura together in a trios match. I’m not sure whether to scold them for taking this long or to congratulate them for showing restraint in not immediately teaming two Asian dudes together because their Asian. Social progress for the win? The good news is this will undoubtedly be Kawato’s best performance in regards to double/triple teams with Okumura helping him, and besides that this match looks like a lot of fun. Rudo Johnny Idol has made him bearable to watch, Okumura remains his old reliable self and, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but those three technicos are really good! Stuka is the worst one, and even he’s reliable at all times. It’ll depend on the effort level, but I get the feeling this will be solid, shepherded by Kawato delivering his best performance yet and the combination of the always smooth Maya and the always exciting Cometa providing good wrestling and better thrills.
Winners: This feels like a technico victory, especially with how I see the main event going. Look for Maya to pull this one out for the good guys after he gives Johnny Idol the taste of the Sacrifico Maya.
Mistico, Soberano Jr., Volador Jr. vs. Cavernario, Felino, Mr. Niebla
What to Expect: That good news thing worked out so well describing the last match that I think will bring it back here, along with its misguided but lovable cousin bad news. First the good news; this match is undoubtedly leading to Soberano vs. Cavernario on next week’s Tuesday show, a rematch of an excellent Arena Puebla match that should be even better in Arena Mexico. The bad news; that means this match is going to be all buildup, one or two dives, a lot of Niebla comedy and little else. Such is life in the buildup bouts to big CMLL singles matches. I’m fine with it this time as long as we get Soberano and Cavernario next week, but still, maybe CMLL should consider trying another way to set up big singles matches? It be like if iZombie set up the next week’s episode with Ravi being held hostage every single time. I don’t want that, Liv Moore doesn’t want that and most importantly you don’t want that. And we shouldn’t want that bullshit from CMLL either.
Winners: Soberano has what Cavernario wants; ergo Cavernario has to do something to get that. In other words, low blow while the ref isn’t looking followed by a Cavernario pin for the win, followed by a challenge for Soberano’s Mexican National Welterweight Championship. The only question is whether it happens in the second or third fall; I’ll be positive and say the third.
And with that, this column is over like Grover. May I never use that phrase again. I’ll see you all tonight sports fans for the review of the Puebla Show. Thank Grodd I’m done dog sitting so I can actually sleep in tomorrow after taking that show in. Till 11 p.m. EST, THIS!
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