We’re going to try something new for the CMLL Tuesday preview today sports fans. Often times I feel these previews, while still pretty good, can get a little too long with the same old clichés repeated one too many times. So I’m going to try and avoid that today because this is going to be a speed review. We’re going to keep the break downs short, have a few more insightful jokes with a pop culture reference or two and most importantly just have a good time. If it works I’ll keep doing it. If not, well then we’ll figure something else out. But enough wasted time; I do that already in regards to starting my screenplay about a bar tender (played by Elizabeth Henstridge) on a terraformed Mars. Did that make sense? Who cares; let’s get previewing!
Retro & Sangre Imperial vs. Apocalipsis & El Cholo
What to Expect: An opener with a rudo miscast as a technico (Retro) teaming with a luchadore who could injure you with a stare (Sangre Imperial) taking on “Not Rey” Apocalipsis and the opposite of Lil Cholo? There’s only one word needed to sum up this bad boy; NEXT!
Winners: When in doubt go with the rudos. They take it in three falls that make Jeff Jarrett’s return to AAA look like a level from Uncharted 2.
Leono, Magnus, Starman vs. El Coyote, Hijo del Signo, Yago
What to Expect: Alright partners! Magnus is back, you know what time it is.
Now if only Magnus could’ve come back in a match that didn’t feature Leono and Hijo del Signo in it. My advice to Magnus (as he does actually read this preview from what I understand) is that he only get in the ring with Yago or El Coyote, insist to whoever is agenting this that Signo and Leono get as little time as possible and for the love of Grodd do some sort of dive. I need some excitement watching this show you know? Oh and I’d also advise to buddy up with that Rey Fenix guy when he appears on Friday. I hear he’s good and knows some people.
Winners: There’s no way the technicos win…but Magnus is great so I’ll pick his team. They win in three falls.
La Jarochita, Maligna, Princesa Sugehit vs. Amapola, Dalys, Seductora
What to Expect: It’s matches like these that make me realize just how much I’m going to miss Zeuxis in CMLL. My Grodd that luchadoras division without her is going to be like the Black Pearl crew after the Kraken ate Jack Sparrow.
Winners: Who gives a shit? Dammit that’s not an acceptable answer. Let’s go with the rudas winning in three falls.
Rey Cometa vs. Esfinge
What to Expect: Look I’m not one who usually gets excited for Esfinge matches sports fans. The dude is pretty much Stigma with a few cooler dives who has somehow Jedi mind tricked the much greater Tritón into hanging out with him all the time. That being said Rey Cometa is a really good luchadore and according to him he’s finally recovered from some mysterious spinal injury no one seemed to know he had. It would explain however why he looked more like himself this past Friday while mixing up with Puma, at least compared to the still good but slightly tamer Cometa we’ve been getting all year. If he is now truly healthy and giving the same effort he did on Friday than by George this has a shot. And that’s the last time I will ever say “by George” in a Lucha Central column.
Winner: Cometa, all day every day. He takes it around the 8 minute mark with a 450 Splash.
Blue Panther, Blue Panther Jr., The Panther vs. Ephesto, Luciferno, Mephisto
What to Expect: If only Luciferno and Mephisto ditched Ephesto for someone like Templario instead.
Alas even Ephesto’s old ass carcass probably won’t doom this match too much. It’s got Blue Panther in it after all, which means he’s going to lay out the match, do some fine ass technical wrestling and be an absolute delight to watch cause even at 58 Blue Panther is the win, the whole win AND NOTHING BUT THE WIN! It doesn’t hurt either that his sons will be there, with Junior dishing out those sweet as backbreakers while Panther moves very fast and hits a suicide dive or two. I don’t know if it’ll be a very good match but it’ll be exceedingly watchable, and that’s before you consider the possibility CMLL may want to set up a Welterweight Championship match between Panther and Mephisto next week. Now that would be podracing.
Winners: I’m being the hopelessly optimistic guy; Panther will pin Mephisto in fall three to win it for the Panthers and as a result challenge Mephisto to a CMLL World Welterweight Championship next week. You heard it here first.
Ángel de Oro, Atlantis, Titán vs. Euforia, Gran Guerrero, Rey Bucanero
What to Expect: I’d love to meet the person who thought putting Atlantis and Rey Rey Buc in this match together was a good idea, mostly so I can berate them endlessly for it. You just know too that they’ll be paired together as well because CMLL never does anything half assed, including putting on miserable matches. There will be some nice moments because Ángel de Oro and Titán will collectively get a few dives off on great bases Euforia and Gran Guerrero, but beyond that keep your expectations as low as you did for Solo: A Star Wars Story. Also be sure to avoid looking at Atlantis side slamming Bucanero to win a fall; it may blind you.
Winners: Technicos win. Thank you and please drive home safe.
Look at that; we’re done in record time sports fans. I may need to start making it a habit of doing these previews quick. For my next trick I will now disappear until later tonight when I post the results of the CMLL Puebla show. No review though; that will not happen again until CMLL decides to start giving a damn about Monday’s again. Till then, THIS!
Please change disks to continue…