Tonight’s CMLL is in the books sports fans. It was as brutal as expected…and yet still somehow not as bad as one would’ve thought. That’s unbelievable; CMLL can’t even suck properly! But seriously, this was a bad show. The only redeemable qualities it had were the first two matches (which were both solid to good), setting up a decent singles match for next week and revealing Pentagon and Fenix would be there next Friday as well. Otherwise there was little difference between this show and marathoning Uwe Boll’s catalogue. And with that I think it’s time to start this review.

 

 

Cancerbero, Disturbio, Raziel defeated Robin, Star Jr., Super Astro Jr. two falls to one

 

If only there had been someone who predicted this opener would be the best thing on this otherwise DOA card. Oh wait a minute; there was someone and that someone was me! I look forward to this being acknowledged a month later just like Lucha Underground plugged their DVD’s being out a month after I did. Back to the match, which I did honest to Grodd enjoy. It desperately needed a dive sequence in the third fall to get to another level but it was still better than what you normally get from this spot. The rudos were trying (especially Disturbio), Robin and Star Jr. were respectable and Super Astro Jr. was awesome. Like legit; he looked like he should be over in Japan with the rest of the top stars at times during this bout. Maybe when Atlantis Jr. comes back they can team together and be known as the “Juniors Who Are Actually Good.” While Sangre Imperial and Retro are the “Juniors Who Actively Suck.” What do those translate to? Is Retro actually a junior? Who cares; we’ll find out during one of the dull matches! This one was solid and you can thank Super Astro Jr. for that. I just wish he had gotten a dive in and that CMLL had, you know, actually allowed his team to win. Alas.

 

Drone, Esfinge, Guerrero Maya Jr. defeated Kawato San, Sagrado, Tiger two falls to one

 

There were two things you could hear after this match sports fans. First it was everyone changing over to the Twitch stream to watch Impact. Second it was Esfinge celebrating like crazy because he had successfully been in one of the two best matches of the show. It was like when the Eagles celebrated that Bears kicker missing even though that pretty much all luck and a tiny tip.

 

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Anyways, this was another honest to Grodd good match that actually got there because CMLL was wise enough to let these guys dive. If only they had done that in the first match! At least we got it here and thus we got to see Maya, Esfinge and especially Drone cut loose on a few cool dives to the floor, while the rudos based well (especially Tiger) and the pace never let up. There were better matches in FantasticaMania this morning but even still this was a decent watch if you find the time. It’s especially a decent watch when you realize that, as the New Found Glory song goes, it’s all downhill from here.

 

Lightning Match

Pólvora defeated Felino

 

Fun fact sports fans; you noticed how I name dropped that New Found Glory song while reviewing the last match? Well I totally listened to it during this match! Thought you’d like to know this, especially since it was far more entertaining than this bout. As I said yesterday it’s nothing against either guy; I like Felino and I like Pólvora, especially when he’s actually given an opportunity to do something. A five minute Lightning Match isn’t the right opportunity for either guy, and it was made even worse by them not doing anything other than that weird finish where Felino pulled Pólvora’s mask off on a reverse top rope powerbomb for the DQ. I would’ve liked that finish any other time…except here where it meant nothing. The only positive is that CMLL kept it at five minutes, and even then it was five minutes too long.

 

Máscara Año 2000, Rey Bucanero, Shocker defeated Blue Panther, Rey Cometa, Tritón two falls to one

 

There’s only one nice thing I can say about this dumpster fire of a match, and that’s that Cometa, Panther and Tritón did everything within reason to salvage this match. And thank Grodd they didn’t try more because it frankly wasn’t worth it. Not only were Máscara Año 2000, Rey Rey Buc and Shocker as underwhelming as advertised but they also got the win. THEY WON THIS MATCH! Why; I can only assume it’s because there is no Grodd, much like I speculated in the preview. Whatever way you slice it they killed this match, they killed what would’ve been a very promising technico team in any other circumstance and they gave me time to answer one of the questions I posed earlier; is Retro a junior? The answer…no. Retro is in fact the first of his kind, which is good news because it means he’s only staining his name by being awful and not his entire family. But yeah, that’s how bad this match was.

 

Kráneo, Stuka Jr., Volcano vs. Ephesto, Luciferno, Mephisto

 

Good news sports fans; I managed to find out what “Juniors Who Are Actually Good” and “Juniors Who Actively Suck” translates to in Spanish. The first one is “Juniors que son realmente Buenos”  and the second one is “Jóvenes que activamente chupan.” Basically, according to the surely flawless Google translate feature, Atlantis and Super Astro Jr.’s team name would be Juniors que son Realmente Buenos and the Retro/Sangre Imperial union would be Jóvenes que Activamente Chupan.

 

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Oh yeah; a match happened while I did all that. It sucked. Not only that but it was the boring kind of suck too. Ephesto, Luciferno and Mephisto did give a tiny bit of effort, which leads me to believe CMLL would’ve been far better off switching them with the rudo team from the last match. That did not happen and well, nothing else did either besides me translating stuff to keep things amusing. Is FantasticaMania over yet? I’m already sick of these shows with those guys missing.

 

Euforia, Niebla Roja, Valiente defeated Bestia del Ring, Rush, Villano IV two falls to one

 

Let the record show sports fans that we were very, VERY close to this whole show being defined by a sequence that saw Bestia del Ring sell a Niebla Roja dropkick like he was touched by a soft breeze, followed by Roja hitting the ropes badly on a dive that Bestia ended up no selling completely. This is why Terrible was chosen to go to Japan instead. By the by, there’s a 100% chance this was what Roja was thinking during this whole chain of events.

 

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And yet, while that spot was bad and this match was thoroughly unremarkable, it did feature a glimmer of hope in the form of a Euforia-Rush feud. The two brawled throughout the match and not only did both look energized for it but both seemed to click really well. Big Euf even hit the LA Park spear almost as well as LA Park does it, which is something because have you seen that Park spear? Rush accepted a challenge by Euforia after the match (which ended with the predictable Rush foul) for next week so we will be getting that match in addition to a Fenix and Pentagon appearance. There wasn’t much CMLL got right tonight but that was a big thing to nail going forward. It’s too bad everything around it was shit. Well that’s not fair; Valiente did try and Villano IV at least can bump, which Bestia seems incapable of at this point. But beyond that and the Rush-Euforia sequences this was a main eventing fitting of this aggressively below average show.

 

There you have it sports fans. I am now going to go to bed, because what else can you do after a show like that? Till next time.

 

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