It’s been an exciting pro wrestling week sports fans, what between the All Elite Wrestling stuff and AAA’s massive press conference this past LOL I COULDN’T FINISH THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE! Alright it was just the AEW stuff, but that’s changing now because CMLL is starting their FantasticaMania with New Japan Pro Wrestling tomorrow morning. I’m very excited about it…unfortunately it’s too late to do a full preview of the show so you’re stuck with me giving you quick results as soon as this sentence ends.
-Audaz, Ryusuke Taguchi, Tiger Mask defeat Gedo, Taiji Ishimori, Templario
-Forastero, Taichi, Yoshinobu Kanemaru defeat Flyer, Jushin Thunder Liger, Titán
-Atlantis & Atlantis Jr. defeat Okumura & Sansón
-Ángel de Oro, Dragón Lee, Mistico defeat Cuatrero, Gran Guerrero, Último Guerrero
-KUSHIDA, Soberano Jr., Volador Jr. defeat Barbaro Cavernario, Carístico, Namajague
-Bushi, Shingo Takagi, Terrible, Tetsuya Naito defeat Fujin, Raijin, Satoshi Kojima, Toa Henare
There you go! Anyways, because I’m not previewing the FantasticaMania show I am instead going to preview tomorrow’s CMLL Super Viernes. Or to be more blunt, I’m going to spend the next 1000 or so words shitting all over this show, which looks like Alone in the Dark if it were directed by Tommy Wiseau. Don’t believe me? Keep reading and, in the words of Buffy the Vampire Slayer hero Whistler, you’ll see what I mean.
Robin, Star Jr., Super Astro Jr. vs. Cancerbero, Disturbio, Raziel
What to Expect: You want to know how dire this show is sports fans? This match, the opener, is probably going to be the best match on the show. Think about that and try not to scream like Sidney Prescott when Ghostface is chasing her up the stairs.
Winners: The day Cancerbero and Raziel lose to a group of young, talented luchadores is the day my idea for a sequel to The Crow starring Rami Malek and Fitz from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. becomes an actual film. The rudos win in three falls.
Drone, Esfinge, Guerrero Maya Jr. vs. Kawato San, Sagrado, Tiger
What to Expect: Hey look; it’s the second best match on the show!
Man nothing quite makes things dire like a CMLL show where the matches that usually suck are the ones that will be good. Honestly I’m thinking less about that right now and more about a) Kawato probably being pretty good on this and b) Esfinge’s reaction to finding out he’d be in the second best match of the show. I imagine it was the same reaction Tim Tebow had when he realized he’d be having sex for the first time.
Winners: This would be a TOO CLOSE TO CALL situation…except I left my Canadian coin back at my house. I guess I’ll just flip my Calgary Flames wristband then. The Flaming C is technicos, dark part is rudos…Flaming C. Technicos win in three falls.
Felino vs. Pólvora
What to Expect: I like Felino. I like Pólvora. I like Lightning Matches. I don’t like this match. Then again perhaps I’ve had it all wrong; perhaps a match built for a quick pace and cool moves does fit a 54 year old veteran who is slowing down and a guy known for his basing. SILLY ME!
Winner: Pólvora takes it with a Pólvora Driver at around the 5:30 mark, right around the time my five and a half minute power nap ends.
Blue Panther, Rey Cometa, Tritón vs. Máscara Año 2000, Rey Bucanero, Shocker
What to Expect: This might be the most CMLL match on this show. You have a technico team in Panther, the criminally underrated Rey Cometa (SIGN HIM AEW!) and the even more criminally underrated Tritón that is easily the best thing about this show. Naturally they’re going up against a rudo team that features the remains of Máscara Año 2000, “THEY CALLED ME MR. GLASS!” (Shocker) and Rey Bucanero. If you could just squish me now, that would be great.
Winners: Máscara, Shocker and Rey Rey Buc win in three falls because there is no Grodd and, contrary to the legendary Teddy Hart’s claims, the cage was in fact not thirty feet.
Kráneo, Stuka Jr., Volcano vs. Ephesto, Luciferno, Mephisto
What to Expect: I’m starting to realize I’m being really, really mean to this show so allow me to say something nice about this match. Are you ready? Here it goes…if this match was five years ago it would’ve actually been good. JOB WELL DONE CULT!
But seriously, this match is going to blow too. There will be one entertaining moment when Kráneo comes out as Barney the Dinosaur or whatever and Stuka may have a sequence or two with Mephisto that we all say is pretty good. After that it’ll all just be noise. What kind of noise? The same wailing Ed Harris makes when he thinks Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio is dead in The Abyss. You know; from the scene where she nearly drowns and he’s like “YOU NEVER BACKED DOWN FROM ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE NOW FIGHT!!!!!!!”? I hear that shit in my dreams I tell you.
Winners: Ephesto, Luciferno and Mephisto take it in three falls. WE’RE ALMOST DONE! I should not be this excited about that.
Euforia, Niebla Roja, Valiente vs. Bestia del Ring, Rush, Villano IV
What to Expect: I look at this match and I think “wait, isn’t Niebla Roja supposed to be in Japan?!” As it turns out he’s being left home because…I don’t know. Maybe he spoke fondly of Konnan in front of Paco Alonso or something. I haven’t done that myself but I am told it’s a bad idea. Plus, what else could keep the man who was one of the unsung heroes of last year’s FantasticaMania home. Anyone here remember that classic he had with Gran Guerrero?
Anyways, life now sucks for Niebla Roja and it’s going to get worse unless he just hangs out with Rush this entire match. At least Roja isn’t Valiente, a high flyer who’d have a great base to work with if that base (Euforia) wasn’t teaming with him. Honestly the most interesting thing about this match may be the discussion between Rush and Villano IV over who gets to feud with Atlantis when he returns. I have a coin to lend if they can’t decide the old fashioned way.
Winners: The technicos win when Rush fouls someone. That is if Rush is even tuned in at that point; he may be planning his match with LA Park for Mania weekend instead.
And with that we are through with this Grodd awful show. Come join me tomorrow night as I review this show and take even more shots at it. If that’s not your speed, then join me tomorrow morning as I review the first FantasticaMania show. TILL THEN!
Please change disks to continue…