It’s nearly 11 p.m. on a Thursday night and, normally by now, I’d have a preview of both CMLL Super Viernes and CMLL’s first FantasticaMania show out by now. Instead I spent all day debating whether to do the previews or write a column called “I’m So Bored with the CMLL.” Alas the latter won out and now you’ll get a CMLL Super Viernes preview and a FantasticaMania preview that are both shorter than Dude, Where’s My Car? and with the same amount of effort Gabe Sapolsky puts into paying his talent. Hey; if CMLL doesn’t give a shit, why should I? Let’s begin.
Fantasy & Shockercito vs. Mercurio & Pequeño Violencia
What to Expect: The sun will rise, the sun will set, Fantasy will do a Spanish Fly and not a damn thing of importance will occur in this match otherwise. In fact I may watch all of Fleabag season one while this match is going on. It’s TBD!
Winners: Rudos in three falls. NEXT!
Lluvia, Marcela, Princesa Sugehit vs. Amapola, Comandante, Tiffany
What to Expect: Nothing makes you go from “thank Grodd Dalys is gone” to “PLEASE DALYS GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!” quite like this match. Are there really no other rudas CMLL could’ve used besides Comandante and Tiffany? And did CMLL really go with Lluvia when Avispa Dorada is right there to give us one dive?! Please Dalys; get done with Japan and return. I swear I’ll never say anything bad about you for at least a week. Maybe two! Depends on my mood.
Winners: Technicas in three. NEXT!
Esfinge vs. Universo 2000 Jr.
What to Expect: This is a match that someone put on paper, looked at, and then decided that this was, in fact, such good shit.
I guess we can hope for Universo to be as good as he was in the Copa Jr. Final a few weeks ago. Of course that match was against Guerrero Maya Jr; this one is against Esfinge. In short I think there’s a better chance of finding a good Soulja Boi song than this match sniffing that Copa Jr. final.
Winner: Esfinge at the 5:37 mark. NEXT!
Black Panther, Blue Panther, Blue Panther Jr. vs. Ephesto, Felino, Vangellys
What to Expect: Only CMLL would finally give us all three Panthers teaming together again, only to put them against Felino, a broken down Satanist and Donald Trump if he was Mexican and way into M. Bison. At least we’ll get Blue Panther doing a hurricanrana and a dive, two bright spots of what will otherwise be a display of great Panther effort, two rudos who don’t give a shit and Felino (who may also not give a shit). In short, you’ll be bored by this the same way I was bored by Assassin’s Creed II halfway through.
Winners: Ephesto, Felino and Attila from Novecento in three. NEXT!
Atlantis Jr., Star Jr., Valiente vs. Hechicero, Rey Bucanero, Templario
What to Expect: Behold the only match on this card that has an honest to Grodd chance of being something we all look back on later and say “you know…I enjoyed this.” Or as the Dinamitas call it, something not said about their matches in over a year.
But seriously, the talent is here this one. Sure Rey Bucanero is also here but he’s just one guy, and one guy is generally not enough to wreck a match featuring Atlantis Jr., Star Jr., Hechicero and Templario. I’m sure CMLL will find a way but for now, let’s just enjoy that this match looks really good on paper, has a shot at being good in reality and may lead to an exciting singles match. Remember how you felt about all this when none of it comes to pass.
Winners: Technicos in three. NEXT!
Diamante Azul, Mistico, Volador Jr. vs. Gran Guerrero, Shocker, Terrible
What to Expect: If you thought Volador didn’t give a shit before, wait till you see this Volador, a man who has been left home from FantasticaMania and has no reason to try. There may be new lows of coasting he reaches here. Then again, I wouldn’t give a shit either if I was in a dead end match featuring Diamante Azul and Shocker. Only in CMLL could dredge like this headline.
Winners: Rudos in two to set up Azul vs. Shocker, because there is no Grodd and the cage wasn’t thirty feet.
And with that, QUICK FANTASTICAMANIA PREVIEW!
Fuego & Ryusuke Taguchi vs. Douki & Yoshinobu Kanemaru: One day Fuego will leave CMLL, and on that day Yoshinobu Kanemaru will still be wrestling and still looking back on that KENTA match from NOAH destiny the way Jake Lloyd looks back on his life before The Phantom Menace reviews arrived. Winners: Douki and Kanemaru.
Audaz, Guerrero Maya Jr., Yuya Umera vs. Euforia, Luciferno, Namajague: This match is a reminder that someone lost a card game and Luciferno got on the tour as the result. If you think it’s funny now, wait till he pins Umera to win this match. Also; good to see you again Namajague, but could you at least have brought Fujin and Raijin too?! Winners: Team Luciferno.
Flyer & Soberano Jr. vs. Negro Casas & Tiger: This is legit the only reason to stay up and watch this first show. And yes, part of that is because it could be good and part of it is because Flyer is involved and you never know what to expect from Flyer in Japan. He could soar like Hot Fuss era Killers or combust like Sam’s Town era Killers. Winners: Casas and Tiger
Ángel de Oro, Niebla Roja, Titán vs. Cuatrero, Forastero, Sansón: Will Sansón be able to work? Will the Dinamitas decide to wrestle for the first time in over a year? Will Ángel de Oro and Niebla Rojo be allowed to do more than look pretty? Find out on the next exciting episode OF FANTASTICAMANIA Z!!!!! Winners: Dinamitas.
Dulce Gardenia, Hiroshi Tanahashi, Yota Tsuji vs. Bushi, Hiromu Takahashi, Tetsuya Naito: Last year Dulce Gardenia wasn’t a blip on anyone’s radar. Now he’s in the semi-main of a New Japan tour with the ace, the IWGP Heavyweight Champ and GORRAM KAMAITACHI! It’s been a year. No one will do much here because it’s night one and the effort level will be lower than Lil John in 2002 but hey; still cool for Dulce. Winners: Los Ingobernables de Japon.
Carístico, Satoshi Kojima, Stuka Jr. vs. Cavernario, Okumura, Último Guerrero: Finally; a show where Okumura can headline a show that isn’t in his dreams. I’ll still be holding back vomit either way. Thank Grodd I’m sleeping in instead of catching this 25th Anniversary match for a dude who’s greatest accomplishment is somehow keeping his job after Rush and Dragón Lee left CMLL. Winners: Team Okumura
I’m out sports fans. TILL NEXT TIME!
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