CMLL Super Viernes is back on the air tomorrow. It looks like an awful show. I don’t know what else to say beyond that; I’ve looked over the card several times and aside from two matches it leaves me with a feeling of annoyance. It’s that lame a card. On the one hand that does make it easier to mock and crack a few jokes, but on the other hand I also just find myself not really giving a crap about CMLL’s current direction. Blame CMLL’s stupid decision to book Bestia del Ring in the Homenaje a Dos Leyendas main event, blame it on them being stagnant since August, whatever; I’m just not feeling it. I frankly would not watch, preview or review this show if I didn’t have to. But I do. So let’s dive in.
Arkalis & Magnus vs. Hijo del Signo & Metálico
What to Expect: This CMLL is in such dire straits that this is one of the matches I’m most excited for. And yes that’s because Magnus is in it and I can do this!
Now that we’ve got that out of the way…Magnus, hero of the undercard, if you so happen to read this then please, PLEASE do everything to make this opener watchable. Break out all your strong style stuff. Hit a dive. Under no circumstances should you take Hijo del Signo’s Canadian Destroyer. To quote Spaceballs, DO SOMETHING! I know there are probably numerous hoops to jump through and all but my goodness we need something on this show besides the Lightning Match in the main event. So this is my one request. Make this opener more like Riverdale Season One and less like Riverdale Season Two when Archie turned into the dumbest ass this side of Sangre Imperial.
Winners: Arkalis and Magnus take it in three falls. Yes I did that to try and convince Magnus even more if he did happen to read this. He probably isn’t going to read this. What am I doing with my life?
Drone, Fuego, Pegasso vs. Misterioso Jr., Sagrado, Virus
What to Expect: Remember when this match would’ve been fun two years ago when Misterioso and Sagrado still gave a shit? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Now all we have to look forward to is Misterioso and Sagrado slumming it, Virus wishing he was anywhere else but here and watching the hope drain out of Drone and Fuego’s eyes with each passing sequence. Oh, and I guess a Pegasso 450. Like Johnny Depp, that 450 was once good and is now just very sad.
Winners: The rudos take it in three falls after Sagrado hits a powerbomb on Drone and Misterioso hits the Gory Bomb on Fuego.
Kráneo, Stuka Jr., Volcano vs. Felino, Hechicero, Shocker
What to Expect: I look at this match and all I can wonder is what Hechicero, myself and the rest of us did to deserve this giant pile of shit. Why does this exist? Why am I watching this show? Why am I previewing this show? Let’s move on before I start blaring 30 Seconds to Mars songs and contemplate the pros and cons of a LiveJournal account. That’s still a thing right?
Winners: Felino, Shocker and Hechicero win it in three falls. Not a single soul will care.
Titán vs. Cavernario
What to Expect: Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait WAIT; is this actually a match that has a shot at being good? IT IS!
Of course it’s also the match guaranteed to go the least amount of time on this show because it’s a Lightning Match, CMLL is obsessed with Bestia del Ring, there is no Grodd, the cage wasn’t 30 feet and STOP TALKING CULT! You’re going to burst a blood vessel or something. Short match or not, this bout will be nothing less than a breath of fresh air if only because it features the always great Titán and a top 10 luchador in the world right now in Cavernario. As long as they give them more than three minutes and no one gets hurt, this will easily be one of the two best matches of the show and a brief moment where I remember why CMLL is occasionally cool. They’ll ruin it immediately but hey; at least we’ll have that moment!
Winner: Unless a rematch for Cavernario’s Mexican National Light Heavyweight Championship is in our future, Cav is taking this at the 8 minute mark with La Cavernaria.
Ángel de Oro, Diamante Azul, Niebla Roja vs. Bestia del Ring, Gilbert El Boricua, Terrible
What to Expect: You gotta love CMLL; only they could take a Homenaje a Dos Leyendas main event in Niebla Roja vs. Terrible that would’ve been a good match and a decent draw and turn it into a tag match that will suck and draw no more people than they were before. Good shit. Wait; nope it’s just shit, as this match will be thanks to Bestia del Ring’s idiocy and sequences between Diamante Azul and Gil Muertes in our year 2019.
Winners: Azul, Oro and Roja win in two very long falls after Terrible fouls Roja. I hate this show.
Carístico, Mistico, Volador Jr. vs. Cuatrero, Forastero, Sansón
What to Expect: On the one hand, this is a great looking match and I should just leave well enough alone. On the other hand, this match makes no sense because Volador is challenging the Guerreros for the Trios Championships at Homenaje a Dos Leyendas and should be facing them to build that up and OH MY GRODD CULT JUST TAKE THE DAMN WIN!
Let me just say I wouldn’t be taking the win if this show was better. But this is CMLL and the rest of the show sucks, so anything that could be passable is a victory in my book and this match should be beyond that. Carístico and Volador are world class, the Dinamitas are the second best trio in CMLL besides the Guerreros and even Mistico seems to be performing at a consistently high level these days. This should be a good main event. I’m not sure why it’s happening, but it should be good and really, what else matters besides that?
Winners: The technicos continue their winning ways with a three fall victory over the Mexican National Trios Champions. Hey, maybe Volador can go after those now too with Carístico and Mistico backing him up. How they won’t kill each other is beyond me but one headache at a time, amirite?!
And with that, this experience is mercifully over, at least until I return tomorrow to review this stupidity. Till then.
Please change disks to continue…