It is the most wonderful time of the year sports fans, and I’m not talking about Thanksgiving. I’m talking about the CMLL Bodybuilding Contest, the one CMLL event of the year where we all crack open Pepsi’s, pause the latest Martin Scorcese mob film on Netflix and spend a couple hours watching luchadores and luchadoras preening, posing and desperately not trying to look like they just went through a platter of Buffalo Bites and now have teh shits. Oh and we get the trainees doing rolls and shit before all this while Virus looks on sternly. There is not a funnier event in wrestling all year, which is why I always have to do a running diary of the show. This year was no different. I hope you’re ready for tanning spray and muscle strains because it’s time to talk MUSCLES!
12:49: We are live here from…some random place in Chepachet, Rhode Island where I am dog sitting for the next week. I’ve got two Golden Retrievers asleep on the floor, an empty bag of Doritos (Cool Ranch), Pepsi chilling in the fridge and some Pizza with red pepper flakes just waiting for me. I’ve also got The Irishman on as I wait for this show and can I say; WHAT A MOVIE! Who knew that Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino could still act when given something real to work with instead of dumb Adam Sandler or Ben Stiller comedies.
12:56: I think it may be time to call the DeNiro vs. Pacino debate in Pacino’s favor sports fans. Maybe I’m getting caught up in just how good Pacino is in this film (in DeNiro’s defense, Pacino has the showier role while DeNiro is supposed to be understated) but damn; it’s swaying me. It is swaying me. We’ll find out more after the Bodybuilding Show I suppose.
1:00: Just went to turn the Bodybuilding Contest on and the blurb at the top of the feed says the show will be live in two hours. Naturally the video just started, proving that even CMLL’s video blurbs have no unearthly idea what CMLL is doing!
1:01: We are live and it sounds like either a Verve song or classical music is playing. Be sure to put on the show yourself while I go grab my Pepsi and pizza!
1:04: As per usual this shindig begins with rookies doing drills. This time they’re being led by Ultimo Dragoncito instead of Virus, which sounds to me like going from Bill Belichek to Freddie Kichens, but then again I may not be giving Dragoncito enough credit.
1:06: Oh great; lap running! If only it was more like this and less like guys poorly jogging to what sounds like Big Mami’s theme.
1:08: They’re now doing rolls and tumbles. In other news, my pizza is soggy. Not a strong start!
1:09: There is more action in these drills than the last two CMLL shows combined. I wish I was joking.
1:11: This whole thing reminds me of the time in gym class where we had to do a gymnastics routine and I just did about fifteen of the shittiest cartwheels you’d ever hope to see. Hey, I wanted to be the one guy who didn’t do a forward roll. In the end we all got F’s and no one spoke about it again.
1:13: I’ll give Dragoncito this much; it doesn’t appear anyone has screwed anything up yet. We usually have one of these rookies messing up by this point and thus far having nothing. Perhaps Dragoncito knows his shit after all!
1:15: And right on cue we have a screwup. It’s the luchador who was just on the left with the mask, long hair and what appeared to be jeans. They’re obviously not jeans but it was close enough that you could wonder. The good news for this luchador is that he’ll likely be main eventing CMLL shows in a few years because CMLL finds stuff like this endearing. Just look at Sangre Imperial, a guy who would totally do this workout in jeans.
1:17: Now they’re doing weird tantric shit that Sting would be into. Actually Sting would be into this entire thing Bodybuilding thing. Remember that scene from Dune?
1:20: Looks like they’re doing actual amateur wrestling. Perfect time for me to grab a few more slices!
1:22: The sad state of CMLL when the two amateur wrestling matches I just watched were better worked and more exciting that pretty much every non Star Jr./Soberano/Negro Casas performance recently. Have I mentioned CMLL sucks right now?! The trainees are gone and I think we may be beginning.
1:24: And now we have…knights out of the crusades appear on stage? What acid trip did I just enter?!
1:26: THE KNIGHTS ARE DOING AN ACTUAL BATTLE WHILE HEAVY METAL MUSIC IS PLAYING! GREATEST MOMENT IN LUCHA LIBRE HISTORY!
1:28: This has now degraded into just two guys dueling and who cares; THERE IS SWORD FIGHTING IN ARENA MEXICO! This is legit the best thing that has happened in this building all year, and there actually were good matches in Arena Mexico at some point in the spring. You just can’t beat sword fighting sports fans. That’s why Knights of Badassam is one of the best films ever made.
1:30: Is this the part where I congratulate CMLL For their new partnership with Medieval Times?
1:31: THEY’RE NOW USING SPEARS! SPEARS!
1:33: There is one guy sitting alone in the front row near the ramp who seems to have just as much idea of what’s going on as I do. Like me he’s also enjoying the hell out of it so he’s at least got that going.
1:34: If this doesn’t inspire CMLL to fun a lucha libre film with Templario playing a knight then what the hell are we doing?
1:35: FEMALE KNIGHTS! CMLL doesn’t discriminate when it comes to swords and sorcery.
1:36: THEY HAVE DROPPED THE SWORDS AND ARE ENGAGING IN FISTICUFFS!
1:39: If CMLL gives this ten more minutes then I am willing to forgive everything else they’ve done and name them promotion of the year, with this show being show of the year of course. This is if the Zach Ryder wheelchair fiasco, Hulk Hogan’s Dungeon of Doom angle and the final season of Game of Thrones had a threesome and somehow produced a kid. Yes I know that’s not possible. Like sword fights in Arena Mexico, JUST GO WITH IT!
1:41: IT’S OVER?!!!!
1:43: And so ends the greatest ten minutes in CMLL Bodybuilding Contest history. The only thing that could’ve made it even better is if Dragonforce’s “Through the Fire and the Flames” had played once. How can you have a sword battle and not play that song?! Otherwise this was one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen, alongside Blade Runner, Yvonne Strahovski and that one Mike Vernon save. And to think; they made this all work without El Zorro! That guy was made for this and yet was nowhere to be found. What a shame; could’ve been the best moment of his CMLL career.
1:45: IT’S FLEXING TIME! The participants are out and I have no idea who any of these fools are. That’s not true; I probably know a few but there’s too many to keep track of at this time.
1:47: The first candidates are posing. We’ve got people shivering, trembling, glistening with sweat and there’s even one guy with Japanese lettering on his back. The best part is a guy who looks like Fuerza Guerrera trying to compete in this despite looking like present day Robert DeNiro body wise. Alright maybe not that bad but it ain’t far off!
1:49: Just got off the phone with my friend after I told him about the sword fighting. I think he questioned my sanity. That’s okay because I question his; HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE SWORD FIGHTING IN ARENA MEXICO?!
1:50: That guy who looked like Fuerza must be his son because I’m now looking at Fuerza’s daughter; also named Fuerza Guerrera apparently, competing with another woman as the lone two luchadora participants. This is the student round for those wondering; the big names are still to come.
1:52: A picture of the students in case your curious (thanks to luchablog for having this up far quicker than I possibly could have.
1:56: Just got our first look at the judges furious scribbling on their notes, trying to decide which of these kids flexed their twelve packs the best while not looking like they were simultaneously shitting their pants.
1:57: Dear my friends; in the time we spent. FOREVER, after beyond this, when will our nightmare ever ENNNNND?! ENNNNND?! ENNNNND?! Sorry; this was boring me so much I decided to start typing Coheed lyrics. It happens.
1:58: I think I just saw either Niebla Roja or Angel de Oro in the crowd. If that’s the case; COME ON DUDE! You have the afternoon to yourself, why would you spend it doing this…says the guy who is spending his afternoon doing a running diary. Smooth Cult; very smooth.
2:02: Angelito, Cosmos, Astro, Pequeno Olimpico, Titan and Halcon Suriano Jr. are part of the next group. I have no idea what category this is and have even less idea why Titan of all people would be in it with guys like Angelito and Astro. Weird.
2:05: Astro looks more toasted than the Ritz Chips toasted guy. Believe me; he knew toasted.
2:07: Titan is up, looking like he wants to be here as much as I want to be writing that CMLL preview tomorrow. By the by; Titan should get this because of the scar alone. The scar was already bad ass but now Titan looks full on bad ass with the scar and the flexing combo. If Vince McMahon saw him right now he’d hire him immediately!
2:10: Seriously; who let Astro put on that much spray tan?! He looks like a pizza I left in the oven too long that one time. Fortunately the judges agree and he now gets to watch Titan, Halcon Suriano, Angelito, the one guy without a mask and the blue masked dude who looks like he’s trying out for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.
2:12: Again I appeal to the judges; give this to Titan. He’s got the scar, he’s got the abs, he’s not overly cooked like Suriano and did I mention he has the scar? It’s a sure thing. Give him the trophy!
2:14: The judges disagreed with me, as the final two appears to be between Angelito and Halcon Suriano Jr. This is why you love the CMLL Bodybuilding Contest; it’s the only place where two talented guys like them can actually have a legit shot of winning something!
2:17: Onto the next division, which is……………still waiting………hurry up and get on with it already host guy……..STILL WAITING…….and it’s the Luchadoras division.
2:18: Danela Casas? Is this Negro Casas’ daughter?!
2:20: All I can tell you is that was apparently not part of the competition, that the woman’s name was Danela (not sure if its the right spelling) Casas and that she’s a member of the Casas family. There you have it! If she is Negro Casas and Dalys’ daughter then I must say I am disappointed she didn’t stay in the competition. The thought of Dalys being beaten by her own daughter fills me with what Principal Snyder called tingly feeling. Or at least I think that’s what he said. Anyway, next group is out and Fugaz is in it!
2:26: They are playing Olimpico’s theme music right now, which is fitting because Olimpico appears to be in this group. In fact, he was the guy allowed to cut a promo before this whole thing while acting overjoyed to be here. I SPOT FAVORITISM!
2:27: Can we bring back the guys with the swords please?! We need less this…
and more of this!
2:31: All the favoritism in the world couldn’t help Olimpico, as he, like the rest of of us, is watching Fugaz pose off with a very tall and very tan individual #37. Don’t you just love not knowing who most of these people are? At least the guy looks thrilled out of his mind to be there; the last one to do so was Soberano. Of course that ended up costing him because CMLL didn’t like enthusiastic, spazzy contestants because…they’re CMLL? How should I know.
2:33: Time for the next division…after our host spends a minute killing time. Come on buddy; I’ve got a Scorsese film to finish!
2:34: Looks like this is the Luchadoras Division (for those keeping score at home, the last two divisions were the Intermediate and Beginners Division, which makes me even more flabbergasted that Titan was in it). Lluvia, Avispa Dorada (SHE’S ALIVE!) and Dalys are the contestants. Fun fact; Dalys is one of only two women to win this along with Dark Angel (Sarah Stock of WWE). Another fun fact; the women’s competition has been around every year since CMLL restarted this in 2006, meaning there’s only been two winners of this category in twelve years! Given how often Dalys wins at everything else, I don’t see that changed today.
2:37: Having said everything I just said, both Lluvia and Dorada look as good as Dalys so the fact that this will be another Dalys victory is kind of laughable. Then again I’m just a random dude watching this to crack a lame joke every few minutes so what do I know?
2:39: Lluvia was posing so hard that she looked like she was about to cry. Meanwhile Dorada and Dalys are smiling like this is just another day at the office. Or in Dalys’ case, another victory over Princesa Sugehit.
2:40: I’m going with Avispa Dorada here, but that’s largely because she’s the only one of the three who can do cool shit like this while still looking good.
2:43: Angel de Amor, Gran Guerrero, Esfinge, Principe Diamante (who won Mr. CMLL a few years ago), Dark Magic and Sangre Imperial are the next class. I was about to say let’s hope Dark Magic and Sangre Imperial pose better than they wrestle but I don’t need to; they most DEFINITELY pose better than they wrestle. Sangre is posing so well I’m afraid he’s going to burst like the damn at the end of Hard Rain.
2:46: This is definitely a tough one but I’m thinking we’re getting Gran Guerrero, Dark Magic and Sangre Imperial as the final three. Although I’d also be taking points off for Sangre intentionally moving his speedo just now. I SEE YOU TRYING TO SCORE POINTS WITH THE JUDGES SANGRE!
2:48: At least Dark Magic is consistent. He often has no idea what to do in the ring, and just a second ago had no idea where to go when going for the final pose down. Grodd bless you Magic.
2:50: The final four are Angel de Amor, Esfinge, Principe Diamante and Sangre Imperial. I guess Dark Magic getting lost for a moment hurt him. No idea what hurt Gran Guerrero though; the guy is big and jacked and somehow got bumped by Angel de Amor, a guy who apparently existed prior to this competition despite no one being aware of it!
2:53: This group is done and now the host is raising his water bottle up in the air because…because!
2:55: In the words of someone I just made up in my head; IT’S TIME FOR THE HARDWARE!
2:56: I didn’t get his name but #7 (who I believe was in the student class) got the tiniest trophy while #1 got the medium sized trophy. That leaves #6 to get the biggest trophy, victory in the student class and a picture with that one Roschfrans girl we used to see on the Puebla shows. Hopefully I’ll have the names for you guys at some point so I don’t feel horrible for referring to these three as numbers.
2:59: Beginners time! Angelito gets the bronze (and is way, WAY too happy about it), Johnny Dinamo gets the silver and I believe that means Halcon Suriano Jr. gets the gold…or not! Titan does in fact get the gold, proving the judges were smart after all. Unless the student guy can move on as well, this makes Titan the first official contender for Mr. CMLL this year.
3:01: I have the student names! It appears the gold in that class went to Yoss, silver went to Zakiel and bronze went to Hercules Negro. May we please soon live in a world where Yoss works Arena Mexico often, just so I can laugh every time he’s introduced as Yoss. What a name!
3:03: Women’s Division time. Avispa Dorada gets the bronze, which gets huge heat from me! It’s all predictable from there as Lluvia gets silver and Dalys gets her fourth straight victory in this category and sixth overall. In fact she’s won six of the last seven times. Seriously CMLL; just name the class after her and just name her Mrs. CMLL so we can continue with the never ending Dalys celebration already.
3:07: Olimpico gets the bronze in…I’m not even sure what division we’re in at this point! The tall bronzed smiley guy (whose name sounds like Crifux) gets silver, which leaves Fugaz to take home the gold. What a year from Fugaz; he’s gone from Guadalajara standout to exciting Gran Alternativa finalist to Mr. CMLL contender! I haven’t seen a rise like that since Conor McDavid put on an Oilers uniform.
3:10: I almost got the name right; Crifux is in fact Crixus. Get rid of the F, move the X to the F’s position and add an S at the end and I had it. Missed it by that much! Also that was the Intermediate Division for those curious.
3:11: Time for the Advanced Division. Esfinge takes home the bronze in what will likely be the best performance he puts on this year (and it was still third best!). Sangre Imperial gets second place in a shocker given his family ties and the fact that he nearly ripped his speedo while posing, which means…Angel de Amor wins?! WHAT?!
3:12: Seriously; WHAT?! I didn’t even know who Angel de Amor was before this competition and now he’s suddenly the Advanced Division winner and has a shot to be Mr. CMLL. And according to luchablog he’s worked (checks notes) ONE MORE CMLL MATCH THAN ME! How many CMLL matches have I worked? Zero. SOMEONE GET THE DAMN KNIGHTS BACK OUT HERE TO SWORD FIGHT!
3:14: Mr. or Mrs. CMLL will now be either Angel de Amor, Dalys, Fugaz or Titan. What a crop. I’m still going with Titan because chicks dig scars. Well that and Titan is the coolest of the group and the most likely to pull an Astral and get the hell out of dodge by this time last year. And yes, that’s the first mention of last year’s Mr. CMLL Astral, a luchador who won this competition four times, never got a push out of it and finally decided that CMLL was so little fun that he’d be better off working Lucha Libre Elite shows that only appear every now and then on AAA’s YouTube channel. Have I mentioned CMLL has had a rough year?
3:17: One final pose off for the judges before they decide the winner. You can tell Angel de Amor wants it; I think he nearly just ripped a quad while simultaneously taking a massive dump during his last pose.
3:20: Sports fans, your winner and Mr. CMLL 2019 is…actual person who does exist Angel de Amor! How about that; the guy who is Mr. CMLL is a guy who I have never seen wrestle in CMLL! I’d say this hopefully leads to a push for him but I’m also kind of hoping the dude just disappears again and we don’t see him till the 2020 Bodybuilding Contest, thus leading to a whole lot of “remember when Angel de Amor won the Bodybuilding Contest, never to be seen again?!” jokes. Hopefully it happens after CMLL holds a BioShock style fight between a bunch of dudes dressed as Splicers and several giants in Big Daddy costumes. Hey; you can’t just do sword fights every year. You gotta change that shit up!
And that is the 2019 CMLL Bodybuilding Contest sports fans. What a ride it was; we had sword fights, nonexistent luchadores coming out of nowhere to win categories, Dalys winning yet again and me having a good time as always even if I can’t understand why I did. Oh, AND DID I MENTION SWORD FIGHTS?! Honestly that made the whole thing and if CMLL brings something like that to the table every year then this tradition will continue. Alas now the fun is over and I must go walk the dogs. I’ll see you all tonight for a review of AAA’s Lucha Capital show though. TILL THEN!
Please change disks to continue…