Welp…here we are again sports fans. It has been only three days since AAA graced us with yet another masterpiece of suck, one that quite frankly would’ve driven me to quit lucha libre if not for the fact that Lucha Underground and CMLL still exist. Sadly LU is off till the summer, CMLL is off till Monday (from a streaming standpoint) and AAA is back tomorrow because there is no Grodd and the cage wasn’t 30 feet. Ugh. I guess the good news is that this show, particularly in the middle, looks far better than the last two shows, and it wouldn’t stun me if at least two matches wound up being good. Then again the rest of the show still looks as promising as a Hayden Christensen comeback, the main event looks awful and, oh yes, the Imposter La Parka will be back, which brings me back to thoughts of wanting to quit lucha libre. What a set up, huh? Just wait till you read the preview! Note that if you put on Sum 41’s “Noots” right now it’ll synch with the whole column, Dark Side of the Rainbow style.
Mamba & Pimpinela Escarlata vs. Ashley & Estrella Divina
What to Expect: If you want to be an optimist, remember that this match was changed on the last show to include Dinastia and Lanzeloth, two luchadors who are really, REALLY good. Perhaps the same thing will happen here. If not, then the only way to sum up this match is as so; the sun will rise, the sun will set, Pimpi will hit slow ass arm drags, Ashley and Divina will bicker, Mamba will Mamba and I will fail in my quest to give one single, solitary shit about this match. End scene.
Winners: Ashley and Divina have gotten nowhere close to winning any of these matches, so why would they now? Mamba and Pimpi complete the series sweep after another “misunderstanding” between Ashley and Divina that leads to the latter walking out on the former.
Cuervo & Escoria vs. Monster Clown & Murder Clown vs. Joe Lider & Mr. Aguila
What to Expect: If you subtracted Cuervo, Monster Clown and Joe Lider from this equation you’d get a match that I, and possibly only I, would enjoy. Alas all three will be here barring Vampiro’s weird voodoo booking magic, which means we can look forward to Cuervo sleepwalking, Monster Clown making Murder Clown look way worse than he actually is and Joe Lider, evidently, not bleeding. Seriously, what is up with that? I used to believe it wasn’t truly an AAA show if Joe Lider didn’t bleed at least a little bit. These last two shows he hasn’t even suffered a scratch! It’s bad enough that I have to suffer through the Imposter La Parka masturbatory hour AAA; the least you can do is throw us a bone and have Lider mutilate himself to make these matches somewhat watchable. Otherwise all that’s left is to hope Escoria has an A+ night while Murder Clown does cool big man stuff and Essa Rios wonders how the hell he got himself into this situation.
Winners: Unless this is changed to a title match, I see no reason for Cuervo and Escoria to lose. Hell if it is a title match I see no reason for them to lose. They win and hopefully get attacked by number one contenders Rey Escorpión and Texano afterwards to get some heat for that contest.
El Hijo del Fantasma vs. La Parka Negra
What to Expect: We have now reached the part of the show where we get our hopes up! At least we have good reason this time; even though he’s been stuck in shit sandwich after shit sandwich on these last few shows, I’ve seen enough to know that this new La Parka Negra is pretty good! And it goes without saying that Fantasma is good too, though you can tell his soul is slowly dying the longer he hangs around AAA. This looks to be the type of opponent he can put together something with, so hopefully AAA gives them the time and maybe the stakes (Fantasma does have the AAA Latin American Title after all) for them to truly sink their teeth into this bout. Naturally I’m now half expecting this to be changed to a gauntlet match where Imposter La Parka squashes every member of the roster while I get myself blocked by Vampiro, Dorian Roldan and AAA on Twitter for language that is certainly not suitable here at the family friendly confines of Lucha Central.
Winner: If Fantasma loses this match I will…alright I won’t do much of anything. Let’s just say that I’d be floored if he lost, much like how I’ll be floored if iZombie doesn’t end with Liv and Major finally getting together for real. Fantasma wins and GORRAMIT THOSE CRAZY KIDS ARE GONNA MAKE IT WORK! Sorry, lost my cool there.
Aerostar & Drago vs. Rey Escorpión & Texano Jr.
What to Expect: The bad news; I’m worried my buddy Aerostar may not be here because he wasn’t on the last show for reasons unknown. Did LU keep him behind to film more vignettes? Has Aerostar finally realized AAA is a vicious, life sucking bitch of which there is no escape from and escaped alongside El Mesias for greener pastures? Isn’t it a contradiction for someone to escape from a place from which there is no escape? Who cares; the good news is that Aerostar should be back for this show and even if he isn’t, his replacement will be Angelikal who, Myzteziz cosplaying aside is pretty fun. On top of that, the Escorpión-Texano team was one of the few bright spots on Wednesday’s show, and that was in a match where they had to mesh with Monster and Murder. Regardless of whether it’s Aerostar or Angelikal teaming with Drago, I expect they’ll look even better here and this could potentially be the second straight good match AAA puts on. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go resist the urge to cynically offer a shitty alternative match that Vampiro will decide to replace this match with. Hold on, resisting, RESISTING…and we’re good.
Winners: Unless the plan is for Aerostar and Drago to join Escorpión and Texano in the tag team title race, it makes little sense for the rudos to lose after just becoming number one contenders. Luckily this is AAA, the land where common sense goes to die. Thus I see Aerostar and Drago winning after Cuervo and Escoria cost Texano and Escorpión as revenge for what happened earlier. Of course that will lead to Cuervo and Escoria having two challenging teams instead of one but hey, you do you Escoria and guy who is holding Escoria back.
Máximo, Pagano, Psycho Clown vs. Averno, Chessman, Super Fly
What to Expect: If you ever wanted to know what a match would be like if you replaced La Máscara with Pagano, this is the match for you. Honestly I think it might be a tad more exciting than it would be with Máscara. The man is smooth, but he packs as much excitement as a Nickelback CD. At least Pagano will try a few crazy things to spice things up. Combine his lunacy with Psycho Clown’s nonstop effort, the consistency of Máximo and the always interesting OGT and, against my better judgment, I could see this being yet another good match. How kind of AAA to save us all the potential decent matches until after they’ve beaten us over the head with snoozer after snoozer.
Winners: La Máscara not being here is interesting, especially since AAA has been playing up his old CMLL rivalry with Averno. I’ll say AAA keeps up the trend of matches ending with interference when Máscara arrives to distract Averno, allowing one of the technicos to get the pin for the win. Let’s see what Rush thinks of that pick.
Dr. Wagner Jr., Imposter La Parka, Vampiro vs. Blue Demon Jr., Hernandez, Hijo del Dr. Wagner Jr.
What to Expect: In a stunning development, AAA decided to end a decent card with a match that could only be good to…seriously, is there anyone out there who could possibly like this match? I certainly don’t, but then again the only thing I want to see involving the Imposter La Parka these days is AAA publicly firing him. And really his presence is the only one that matters here. Both Wagner’s, Hernandez, Blue Demon and even Vampiro could give their best effort ever (something I don’t foresee) and it won’t matter; you just know La Parka is getting way too much time to do his atrocious spots, no sell everything the rudos throw at him and be on the verge of winning before he gets screwed by Dave the Clown. All apologies to the other five luchadors but I have no desire to see any of that. So yeah, this match will suck. The only hope is if there’s indeed something going on with Vampiro that plays out here, and just like the Edmonton Oilers being a playoff team next year, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Winners: Guess I already spoiled it in the last paragraph! In case you missed it, Dave the Clown will interfere to screw over Imposter Parka, allowing the rudos to win so we can continue this feud that no one wants, no one asked for and good Grodd Cult just move on. Idiots are gonna idiot. AAA is gonna AAA. Vampiro is gonna Vamp. Stop talking!
The long winding road has reached its end sports fans. But fear not for I’ll be back to review this show tomorrow instead of watching New Japan’s Strong Style Evolved because…I honestly don’t even know anymore! Till then, a gif from the show Digimon. Or as us cool kids call it, Pokemon if Pokemon was bad ass.
Please change disks to continue…