Good news folks; AAA is back on Twitch tomorrow with a live show from Cuernavaca! Unfortunately the good news ends there because this show…well to put it kindly it looks like it will go the way of the new Tomb Raider film; a few nice standout moments followed by you wondering if there will ever be another solid adaptation of said film/show ever again. I’ll always say any lucha is better than no lucha, but this show on paper looks to test that. Let’s hope everyone changes my mind tomorrow; till then though, let’s talk about why this card is a mehburger with cheese while you hear Eddie Murphy’s camp classic “Party All the Time” playing in your ear. Hey, I’m in a goofy mood, this is a goofy show and that’s a goofy song. I think it works!
Dinastia, Dragón Solar, Pardux vs. Bronco Gonzalez Jr., Fetiche, Mini Histeria
What to Expect: It’s Dinastia, Mini “Don’t Call Me Rocky Marvin” Histeria and four dudes from that other La Llave a la Gloria match from Triplemania. Bummer. If nothing else Dinastia and Histeria should produce some watchable lucha and hey, if you’re a glass half full guy like yours truly, I’d remind you that disastrous La Lave a Gloria match a) featured Chicano, b) was a high pressure situation, c) featured Chicano and d) did I mention it featured Chicano? I’d bet my Batman bobblehead it goes better this time. On second thought, let’s just bet my half eaten can of Pizza Pringles and call it a day. Can always get more of those; it’s much harder to find a more dependable Batman bobblehead!
Winners: Dinastia is the only one with a remote chance of appearing on TV again unless this match is killer, so I say his team takes it home with him getting the pin on Histeria.
Mamba & Pimpinela Escarlata vs. Ashley & Estrella Divina
What to Expect: Mother of Grodd this match is like falling into the abyss. I mean Ashley and Estrella Divina are alright but…have you seen that other side? Pentagon and Fenix couldn’t drag a good match out of Mamba and the slowly decaying remains of Pimpi. Let’s just hope this is short, sweet and doesn’t end with me sticking a needle in my eye like that scene from Daredevil (the series, not the Ben Affleck movie of similar quality to this match).
Winners: I seem to recall they’re doing a storyline where Ashley is being mistreated by Faby Apache (an Estrella Divina ally), so it would make sense for Ashley to lose this match then get beaten up afterwards with Divina acting as Faby’s proxy. You know what; let’s do that. Mamba and Pimpi win, Ashley gets beaten up afterwards, MUCH SYMPY! Sorry, my Scott Steiner broke out there.
Histeria & Psicosis vs. Monster Clown & Murder Clown
What to Expect: The best part of this match will be when the Clowns’ theme song (“Dragula” by Rob Zombie) hits and I turn into this.
Once that’s over it’ll all be replaced with a few decent Murder Clown spots, me wondering at least five times if Monster Clown has ever been to a gym (and people are calling Taya fat!), Histeria doing…whatever it is he does and The Artist Formerly Known as Ripper doing his best impression of a tree that’s fallen over. In other words, like Mega Maid, this match is going to go from suck to blow.
Winners: The Clowns. NEXT!
AAA Tag Team Championship Match
Cuervo & Escoria (c) vs. Joe Lider & Mr. Augila
What to Expect: If nothing else, Joe Lider will bleed because he cannot feel alive anymore if he doesn’t get at least one cut per day. Besides that…I mean maybe it’s just the previous two matches raising my expectations, but this match might actually be enjoyable. Cuervo and Escoria (especially the latter) have stepped up their game recently and hey, Mr. Augila was awesome once upon a time. I’m choosing to remain hopeful that the guy who was once Essa Rios still can do things and that he and Escoria will get a lot of time while Cuervo stares blankly from the apron as Joe Lider headbutts a staple gun.
Winners: I don’t know about you, but I don’t see AAA putting the titles on a guy who is hardly booked and Joe Lider. Thus, Cuervo and Escoria retain and then get attacked by someone after the match because brother, that’s the AAA way brother! Maybe it’ll be the Clowns. Actually scratch that; it will be the clowns.
La Máscara & Máximo vs. Averno & Chessman vs. Carta Brava & Mocho Cota Jr.
What to Expect: The best match of the night by a long, long, LONG mile. Frankly it’s the only match, outside of the first, that I’d say has a chance of being more than watchable, which makes sense considering the worst guy in this match (La Máscara) is still pretty decent. I’m sure something will happen that causes this match to not live up to its full potential but come on; there’s no way a match featuring the always consistent Averno and Máximo and the excellent team of Brava and Cota can be anything less than okay. They’ll deliver the goods and I will thank them profusely for it. Please remember this paragraph when that doesn’t happen and I’ve turned into Charlton Heston come Sunday morning.
Winners: Have Máscara and Máximo lost yet in AAA? No? Well they aren’t starting now. They win after pinning Brava and Cota because we truly cannot have nice things. Is my bias towards Poder del Notre showing? Who care; I love those guys!
La Parka & Pagano vs. Dave the Clown & Hijo del Dr. Wagner Jr.
What to Expect: Just when you thought Máscara Año 2000 vs. Bestia del Ring would be the worst match of the week, here comes this giant pile of shit. What the hell did we do to deserve this? It must’ve been something bad because…holy crap, you know you’re in tough shape when the best workers are a death match guy and Hijo del Dr. Wagner Jr. Even Alone in the Dark, starring pre Mr. Robot Christian Slater and Tara Reid was better cast than this.
So yeah…I’ve got nothing redeemable to plug about this match at all. Maybe Wagner Jr. and Pagano work the whole match and make it passable. Maybe Vamp goes nuts and changes it? Maybe the show ends abruptly prior to it happening? Unless it’s one of those three things, this will be an eyesore and my Grodd that may have been too harsh on eyesores. I would advise against watching this, but I’ll have to because this is the choice I made in making a living and well, jokes on me!
Winners: Oh who cares? Wait, I have to answer this…uh…let’s go to the Canadian Dollar. Heads Parka/Pagano, Moose Dave and Wagner…and it’s Moose! Dave the Clown and Wagner win and this match becomes the scene from Spaceballs where Dark Helmet watches himself crash into his control panel. “No no, go past this part. In fact, never speak of it again.”
That’s game! I’ll see you tonight sports fans for a Homenaje a Dos Leyendas review. Till then, THIS!
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